COUNTDOWN: Top 10 Ratchet Moments of 2012

It's that time of the year again. Folks are making New Year's Resolutions they won't keep and every person with an internet connection thinks we care. Some people got rich. Some people went broke. Blue Ivy Carter was born and many legends in the game died. I know it's been a while since I posted. Trust me I've been busy. Not the kinda busy you pretend to be when you're avoiding people either. I'm talkin genuinely busy. Get outta my business anyway! lol jk 

Where was I?
Ahhh yes! Ratchet moments in 2012. 
There was no shortage of ratchet moments in 2012. I am so grateful for everyone who behaved without inhibitions and let their ratchet shine bright like a diamond. Thanks, in part, to you all my blog went to another level in 2012. There were soooo many ratchet moments it was hard to consolidate the list to just 10 moments. I am so thankful for all of the ratchet people out there. We may have stopped talking about these ratchet moments, but I am here to refresh your memory.

These moments give me hope for more ratchet behaviors in 2013. 
10. The "2012 STOP CIARA FROM MAKING MUSIC CAMPAIGN".  Music customers took their buying power to another level and started a petition to get Ciara to stop making music. It might not have gotten over a million signatures, but it was a sign that music fans were sick and tired of having Ciara's music available. If fans of "The Game" can bring the show back, music fans can kill careers with petitions right? 


9. The Hot Cheetos & Takis Song. A group of kids wanted to share their new favorite snack. Over 4 million views later these kids have done so much more. If you get confused while watching the video that just means you're too old to know what's hot these days.
8. Serena Williams C-Walked After Winning the Gold at the 2012 Olympics. While some tennis players simply take a bow, or thank God, or fall down in dramatic fashion, Serena Williams wasn't going out like that. The Compton native shocked announcers and the audience when she crip walked (and salsa'd) after her victory. You can take the girl outta the hood...

7. Katt Williams Retired. And then he un-retired. A far cry from his fresh perm and pimp attire, Katt Williams announced his retirement from comedy in 2012. It's hard out here for a pimp. He was arrested 3 times in 3 days while in Seattle and he managed to slap a Target employee. On top of that, he hasn't been funny since 2005. It was funny when I thought it was a phase. Then it was sad. Now it's just pathetic. It's very clear someone needs to step in and send the pimp to rehab. He's got problems with the IRS, lost custody of his kids and gets arrested every other day. Pimp down. 

6. Momma Dee Taught us How to Spell. I loved everything about Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta. It was the right amount of ratchet and drama that left us feenin for more each week. Momma Dee had a number of notable quotables, but it was when she taught us how to spell "bitch" that had the innanets goin nuts. "BEE. EYE. TEE. SEE. ACH.& in that order." Don't use insults you can't spell. 

5. Deion Sanders Tweets Through a Beatdown. 
                                     

When most people are involved in a violent altercation their first instinct is to call the cops. Not Primetime. He took to his twitter account to let his followers know what was goings on. We still don't know exactly what happened, but Deion made sure to share as much as possible about his estranged wife's physical attack while their kids were present. Their divorce and custody battle have gotten very ugly in the press. 
4. The Pacquiao Knockout Pics. It wasn't funny when Marquez knocked out Pacman. I didn't even watch the fight, but I know that wasn't the funny part. The photos (memes) that took over the interwebs after the knockout made this fight memorable. Creators held nothing back for a solid 72 hours as they creatively showed us that we live in a cold world. Peep the rest here.
3. Trinidad James' Record Deal. 

It was one thing for him to pen "All Gold Everything." It was another thing for him to create a video replete with items spray painted gold. It was yet another thing for Trinidad James to land a $2M record deal with Def Jam. Music fans everywhere were flabbergasted. It also spawned hilarious spoofs, like this one. "Popped a Molly I'm sweatin! ::Woo::" James now shares a label with the likes of 2Chainz and Kanye West. 
2. Dawn Harper & Kellie Wells Dissed Lolo Jones. Olympic runner Lolo Jones stole the spotlight during this year's olympics. We all knew her story and her claims that she didn't use nary of those 150k condoms delivered to the Olympic village. She didn't win a damned thing, but that didn't stop these two (winning) Olympians from being petty. The two were upset that Lolo was a sorry MF & still got more publicity than they did. Womp womp!

1. News of Shawty Lo's New Reality Show. 

The standards for reality tv have long been tossed out of the window. Even the biggest lovers of ratchet reality tv were scratching their heads with this one. Shawty Lo & his 11 kids and 10 baby mamas will be featured in a 1 hour special on Oxygen called "All my Babies Mamas." The ladies (and I use that term loosely) have descriptive names like the “Fighter Baby Mama," the “Jealous Baby Mama,"  the “Wanna-be Bougie Baby Mama," and “Baby mama from hell." I'm pretty sure this will be a tester to see if they should get a full blown show. This news gives me a renewed hope that 2013 will be JUST AS RATCHET as 2012. I'm so here for it. 

Honorable Mentions:
Chris Bosh's Champagne Bath

   As the Miami Heat were celebrating their new status as the 2012 NBA Champs, Chris "Champagne" Bosh swooped in and showered himself in the bubbly stuff. It's not exactly ratchet, but it's still funny as all hell. 

Oprah on Twitter
After years of dealing with people trying to tell her how to spend her money, Oprah got fed up. She put a dude in his place on twitter.  

Chad Johnson headbutted his wife Evelyn Lozada. A mere 41 days after tweeting thru his wedding, Chad reacted to an argument with his wife by head butting her. 

Snoop got some good weed and changed his name to "Snoop Lion." After a trip to Jamaica while filming a documentary, Snoop Dogg told the world to call him Snoop Lion. 

That's it for my favorite ratchet moments of 2012. What were yours? 
Gotta thank everyone for all of your emails, texts, tweets, Facebook posts, etc. with suggestions for ratchet things to post on my blog. You are all appreciated!
Cheers to more ratchet-ness in 2013. 

Ratchet Song of the Day: 69 Boyz & Quad City DJ's "12 Days of Christmas"

Today's song is brought to you by strawberry flavored black and milds and purple body splash gift sets. As the ink dries on Trinidad James' new $2 Million record deal, it's clear that it's the ratchet season of reaping. We're also 12 days away from Christmas and it's time to get serious about what you're gonna get your loved ones. I know you're struggling with figuring out what to get the ratchets in your life for Christmas. You ain't got to worry cuz I'm here to help ya. Today's song will definitely put you at ease. Listen with me. 

Please note that no one in this ENTIRE song pronounced the "s" on the end of Christmas. While regular people sing about a partridges and pear trees, ratchets are asking for a new Cadillac, gold teeth, blunts and free rent. You gotta love it. Now *this* is a trill Christmas song!

In case you couldn't keep up, or decipher through the Southern accents or are looking for ideas on what to get the ratchets in your life for Christmas, below is the list broken down by gender. 
Male: 
12 Disc changer
11 Philly Blunts
10 Kangols (or Carat gold)
9 Sega Tapes
8 Gold teeth
7 Pair of Adidas(?)
6 Packs of beer
5 Fresh gold chains
4 Thirty Smokers
3 Packs of Draws (underwear)
2 Girlfriends
1 A cadillac to put it all in

Female:
12 Hundred Dollas
11 Pairs of shoes
10 Fingernails
9 Packs of weave
8. Male strippers
7 Bus passes
6 Diamond Rings
5 Months free rent
4 Bangles
3 Pocketbooks
2 Earrings
1 A man with a lot of money

Well there ya have it folks. Don't say I ain't never gave ya nothin. 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Single Girl Logic: 5 ways Chicks Rate Guys on the First Date

A few days ago I met a very tall, dark and incredibly handsome gentleman. Let's call him Daniel. I've worked in men's retail so I'm oft quite critical of a man's attire, but Daniel passed my test. 

Daniel's suit (probably from Hugo Boss) was tailored with the right amount of shirt poking out of his jacket sleeve, no neckroll, a half break in his pants and his shirt had a slight spread collar. In spite of a small pimple I noticed near his chin, he was statuesque. 
He was also wearing my FAVORITE suit combo: Navy suit, pink shirt, pink & navy tie and cognac colored shoes and belt. 
He wore a mid-range Movado watch and carried a really nice briefcase, too.
We talked for a few moments and we immediately hit it off. 
He seemed confident, intelligent and was witty to boot. 
The best part was I could tell he was smitten by my humor and sarcasm. I love when that happens. 
After we felt each other out and I decided I would say yes to an invitation to go on a date...something changed. 
Daniel became too familiar too quickly. 
His shoulders dropped and he started dropping "F" bombs left and right. He asked, "Gah damn is all of this your fuckin hair?" as he reached and touched my hair. 
Hold up!
I was disgusted. 
All of his allure faded. 
I tried to hide it on my face, but I'm sure he saw it.  
My interest in him immediately died. Yes. Him touching my hair was a deal breaker. I don't care if he was a nice man. I don't care how fahn he was. I understand to some people that's not a big deal, but it is to me. Don't invade my personal space without my permission. 
When someone touches me without my permission, it is a sign of him being inconsiderate. I hear you wondering whether I made him feel comfortable enough to do that. I can't answer that. 

Fast forward. 
I love football. 

Even more than football, I love watching football with friends. I love the random conversations that only occur during commercial breaks while watching football. 

Cool story: After my exchange with Daniel, I shared what happened with some of my friends. I have to do that sometimes to make sure I'm not being too pessimistic. The girls totally related to my POV. The men thought I overreacted. Our conversation segued into a discussion of expectations on a first date. After I explained the reasons I could not see myself going out with Daniel, it became quite clear to me that men don't understand what it's like for a woman preparing to go on a first date with a random guy.

Based on that convo, I began to see how much pressure women put on ourselves before a date. 
What to wear?
Where to go?
What to say? 
When it comes to first dates, women get tunnel vision and worry about the wrong things. 
When a woman likes someone, her mind is in overdrive. 
We're on high alert for red flags.
We're picky about everything. 
We're critical of ourselves. 
We walk the line between showing up looking like we put forth some effort to look cute, without "trying too hard."

It makes sense after you read it three times. 

Crazy thing is we spend time stressing about dates with dudes who really only want to smash and run. 
But I'm chillin doe. 

While the fellas are busy checkin out our ASSets as we walk to the bathroom, we're rating some other things. Wondering what they are? Awwwwwww here it goes! 

5. How He Treats the Servers. You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat people in the service industry. Is he flirting with the server? Is he polite? Is he finding reasons not to tip? We're taking notes on how he treats the waiter AND how well (or poorly) he tips. 

4. The Location. Women like to feel like he put some effort into the date. Even if he didn't. The location is crucial for setting the tone. Did he make dinner at his place? Not a good idea. Is it a ridiculously expensive restaurant? Stupid. Is it an interactive date? Creative. Did he go with the dinner and a movie idea? Boring. A crowded bar? Horrible.  

3. His Overall Appearance. We're lookin at the basics (shoes, clothes, teeth, facial hair, etc), but we're also goin beyond that. Does he smile? Does he walk with confidence? Oh and women like a man who knows how to dress himself. We also like to upgrade men, but you gotta give us something to work with. 

2. His Attention Span. Does he pay attention to details? Did he genuinely compliment her? Is he checking his phone every 2 minutes? Is he tweeting thru it? Is he posting pics to Instagram? Is he making eye contact? Is he drinking excessively? Is he high? We look at these things to try to gauge how serious he is about finding "The One." Nevermind what he says, we like to read into his actions.

1. Conversation Topics. First dates should be all about the conversation. The convos can be awkward, but if you listen closely you will learn a lot. The key is to minimize the awkward moments and find a common ground. We're paying attention to the topics he's most comfortable discussing. Does he lead with topics about work or his money? Does he bring up marriage and kids? Does he gossip? Does he watch a lot of reality tv? Did he ask you to explain why you're single? 

Well there ya have it folks. 5 ways women rate a guy on a first date. Fellas, what's your recipe for a perfect first date? Ladies, what kinds of things do you analyze on a first date?

Talk to me... 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Ratchet Song of the Day: KP & Envyi's "Shorty Swing My Way"

Today's song is brought to you by fluorescent black lights and jheri curl activator. We have a white woman with a pixie cut repeatedly asking a "shawty" to swing her way while a black girl wearing loose circular sunglasses raps. Sprinkle in a pinch of club dancing, a basic chorus with a catchy beat and VOILA! Shawties swangin your way. The song is ratchet because in my head she's singing about the shawty swinging his peen her way, but maybe that's just me being ratchet. She ain't no Teena Marie, but she sang the hook in today's song. Listen with me. 

 Don't act like you've never been in a club with a cutie and yearned for him/her to come over and talk to you. If you're single, I wanna remind you that it's almost time to secure a boo to kiss on New Year's. Better get to tellin the shawties to swang your way. 2 points if you can tell me where these 2 people are today. 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Ratchet Song of the Day: D.R.S' "Gangsta Lean"

Let me just start by saying I think this is a dope ass song that is only lowkey ratchet. Today's song is brought to you by Jheri curl activator and the makers of 40 Ounce malt liquors. These gangstas got together to harmonize and sing in tribute to fallen gangstas. The song is dedicated to all the homies who died suddenly while living a gansta life. I'm talkin about the dice throwin, drug slangin, bandana carrying gangstas. Listen with me. 

For those who don't think it's ratchet, the line "I tip my FAWTY to your memoryyyy" is enough to make it ratchet, but we're not gonna be picky. Who else pours out a lil liquor to honor the fallen homies? We're not gonna talk about ol boy's coke bottle glasses either. I hear y'all judging him. Shame. 

This might not be the level of ratchet you all are used to & I'm ok with that. You gotta listen to the words and really watch the video. You got a group of gangstas singing a sad. Even ratchets and gangstas get sad sometimes. Young thugs shed tears too, man. 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Ratchet Song of the Day: Three 6 Mafia's "Lil Freak"

Today's song is brought to you by face tats and paisley printed bandanas. Aside from it being a Three 6 Mafia (usually a GIVEN for ratchetness) song, it's ratchet because it starts "I know a lil freak in Hollwood. Sucks on d*ck. Does it real good." Don't be mad cuz you can't relate. Listen with me. 

Some of you may not know this, but before I started following Webbie on twitta I was a huge fan of his music. Savage Life is still one of my favorite albums. This song made me reminisce about some thangs I won't share here. Bet you won't play this at your Thanksgiving dinner! lol! 

The 20 Do's & Don'ts of Thanksgiving

Knowing the REAL story of Thanksgiving won't stop my show. As long as we still "celebrate" Christopher Columbus Day we can still celebrate Thanksgiving. As a proud Fatty Mcfatfat, I can say without shame that Thanksgiving is my second favorite holiday. It is only second behind Christmas because at Christmas I get to eat delicious food AND get awesome gifts. Either way, I have my tights and loose fitting clothing ready for Thursday. Enough about me. 

Thanksgiving is Thursday and it's time for us to lay down some ground rules. Here are the 20 do's & don'ts of Thanksgiving . . .

20. Check your ego. If you don't own the biggest house, you don't get to host Thanksgiving. If you don't make the best (insert dish here), you don't get to make it. Get over it.

19. Don't Expect People to Work Around Your Picky Eating Habits. We WILL understand if you don't eat pork, but that's about it.

18. Ask what is going to be on the menu before you arrive. You don't want a surprise vegetarian meal when you were expecting turkey, chicken and beef. 

17. DON'T arrive to a potluck-style Thanksgiving dinner empty handed. Ask the host what you should bring. Even if they say nothing, bring SOMETHING. 

16. Respect table assignments. If you didn't wanna sit at the kids table, you shouldn't have told people you're #TeamEdward.  

15. Stick to your signature dish. Don't push it. 

14. Line-up a plan B just in case the primary host makes people wait for the food.  Don't feel guilty.

13. Make sure everyone knows who made the potato salad.  Since some people "don't eat everyone's food" just make sure to tell who made what. 

12. DON'T upload pics of your plate. No one wants to see your "food porn" anyway.

11. DON'T be afraid to turn "non-RSVPers" around AT.THE.DOOR. Tell 'em to take their non-RSVPing ass to Boston Market.

10. Don't make a big deal about breaking your diet. Everyone does it. No one cares. 

9. DON’T arrive late and then be surprised when all the food is gone.

8. For hosts: make arrangements for guests to make to-go plates. Tell a non-cook to buy some styrofoam plates. 

7. Don't make your to-go plate before everyone has eaten. That's just inconsiderate.

6. Help Clean up. Remember people who skip out on cleaning up don't get invited back for Christmas. 

5. Appreciate the Experience. Appreciate the people you spend the holiday with even if you spend it with complete strangers. 

4. Brainstorm about what you’re thankful for. Nobody likes the person who holds up Thanksgiving dinner because they can’t think of anything decent to share.

3. Don't be salty because no one touched your food. Work on your presentation. 

2. Fully equip your host site. People WILL hate you if you run out of toilet paper. 

1. Be thankful for everything you have. You have your eyesight, access to the internet and a sound mind to read this post.  

Now that you have the rules, you have no excuse for cuttin up on Thursday. Did I miss any rules? What rules do you and your family follow for Thanksgiving? I'm listening. 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

PS. There will not be a post on Thursday. Regular posting will resume on Tuesday November 27.