Ratchet Song of the Day: The Dogs' "Yo Mama's on Crack Rock"

Today's song is brought to you by white tees at the corner store and paisley printed bandanas. It's been a while since we had a song of the day and this beautiful creation more than makes up for the lapse. In case you can't tell by the title, today's song is about somebody's mama bein on crack rock.  Yes, you read that right. Roll that beautiful bean footage below.

Everybody who knows anything about the hood knows you can't say anything about a person's mama. To say somebody's mama is on crack rock doe? Kids are so mean. This song is disrespectful and comedic at the same time. The fact that these ratchets took somethin like bein addicted to crack and made it a song? I keep tellin y'all ratchets are innovative. 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

7 Things EVERY Single Woman Needs

My car is 7 years old. 
I'm not ashamed to say it. 
It's mine.
I paid for it. 
Imma ride that mug until the wheels fall off. Recently, I had some issues with my car and had to leave it in the shop for a few days to get fixed. While I was sitting in the mechanic's shop looking over the release papers, it occurred to me how lucky I am to have a reliable mechanic. He explains every charge to me & shows me everything he's going to fix. Also, if he discovers a new issue he calls me before he fixes it. That might not mean much to you, but it matters to me. 

Prior to finding him, I always dreaded getting my car serviced. Before I moved away my father handled my car maintenance. If the mechanics weren't tryna tell me how the new tires I purchased 6 months ago need to be replaced, they were tryna rope-a-dope me into paying hundreds of dollars for services my car never needed. Put simply, I've grown to distrust mechanics so much that I try not to go without the company of a gentleman who knows about cars. 

After I realized how lucky I am to have a mechanic like him, I got to thinkin about the other things a single chick needs.  I don't get emails and I didn't do a survey. I'm just a blogger who is arrogant enough to think you wanna read what I write. Put ya fantasies about the UPS man on hold. Sit ya single & fabulous ass in a seat. Here are 7 things every single woman needs. . .

7. A Hobby. I'm serious. Yes, really. Get a hobby. Learn a new language or do some damn arts & crafts. You're gonna need that hobby when you get a boo and he wants to spend a few hours playing videogames. Don't become the girlfriend who complains when he wants to spend a few hours to himself. Don't be a lonely single bitch either. 

6. Alone Time. Spend time alone getting to know yourself. No, I don't mean masturbating. I mean taking an honest look at yourself. Figure out your strengths & strengthen your weaknesses. Fall in love with yourself and work to become the type of person you would want to marry if you weren't YOU. 

5. Sex. I know it sounds crazy to encourage single women to have sex, but stick with me on this one. We now know oxytocin is released when you orgasm causing you to bond with your partner. Don't panic, just be responsible and have relevant conversations BEFORE you drop ya drawz. An active sex life reduces depression and anxiety while increasing self-esteem, reducing stress, and boosting your overall immune system. Get laid! 

4 A Skincare Regimen. Every skin care regimen needs a cleanser, toner and a moisturizer. Apply each twice a day while limiting greasy foods and I promise you will see results. I don't understand women who cake on make-up everyday. Do you realize how silly you look with a full face on at the gym? 8/10 men I asked don't like when they can tell their lady is wearing make-up. Do with that what you will.

3. Close Girlfriends. I can't stress this one enough. Every single girls needs a mixed circle of girlfriends she trusts. These girlfriends will be there to check her when she's fuckin up a good thing and give her hope for finding real love. For best results, the circle should be small (no more than 6) and should include, at least: 1 married, 1 engaged, 1 single, 1 sexually experienced, 1 fashionista and 1 motherly figure. Yes, one person can fit into more than one category.

2. A BAD ass first date look. You can rock a little black dress, a blazer and jeans or somethin girly and fashionable. Every single girl NEEDS a go-to first date look that is comfortable, stylish and lets her show off her ASSets. Just keep it cute and don't look like you're trying to hard. 

1. A Male Friend. This male friend needs to be 3 things: 1) Honest with no cut cards; 2) Willing to break a few manlaws; and 3) Not be your phuck buddy. Don't go around making male friends expecting them to give you advice from a male perspective. Raine didn't say do that. Also, don't go asking your friend with benefits for dating advice. It won't go well.

Well there ya have it. 7 things every single woman needs. Did I miss anything? Is there someone you would add to the list? Don't be shy!  

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Rose & Jason: One HELL of a Night (Part 2)

In case you missed it, check part 1 here.

The street lights peeked thru the tiny slits in Rose's blinds.
Rose began to slowly grind on Jason as the sound of heavy breathing and passionate kisses occupied the room.
Jason felt up Rose's dress to release her breasts from the constraints of her bra.
She ignored the possibility that her neighbors might see them.
With one fell swoop, her shirt and bra were on the floor.
She leaned back slightly to allow him to admire her supple breasts, her eyes inviting him to suck on 'em. 
He caressed them before he went straight for her left nipple. 
"You have beautiful breasts."

Rose kissed his neck as he alternated between sucking and nibbling on her perky breasts.
Jason couldn't help but tell her how good her lips felt on his neck.
"Your lips are so soft. They feel amazing."
Rose giggled. "I have another set of lips that feel even better."
Jason's face lit up. He knew exactly what she meant.
The two continued to kiss passionately as Jason unzipped his pants and removed his shirt.

Rose melted as she ran her fingers over his abdomen. 2. . .4. . .6. "Thank you God!" she said to herself. 
Jason looked confidently at his exposed manhood. "Can you handle it?"
"I'm about to find out" Rose answered without hesitation. 
A few more kisses and Rose was on her back.
Jason kissed his way down to Rose's bald cunt.
Rose arched her back and gripped a pillow as he fucked her with his tongue until she surrendered all restraint. 
She pushed him back and began rhythmically bobbing her head on his penis. 
He rubbed his fingers thru her hair and gripped the back of her head. 
Jason moaned as Rose began an oral assault on his penis. 
Her mouth engulfed and deep-throated his 7 inches. 
She spit and slurped on his scrotum and ran her tongue up and down his penis. 
Her hand moved in an up-and-down motion on the shaft, with the head in her mouth. 
"Damn girl" he said as he glanced down. 
Rose smiled. 

He grabbed a condom and strapped up without missing a beat.
He grabbed her ass and she climbed on top. He eased inside of her warm pussy. 
She cupped her hands behind his head and worked her hips in a circular motion feeling his entire penis inside of her. 
Jason leaned his head back and closed his eyes.
He grabbed her hips and moved her in an up-and-down motion.
Both are chasing an impending climax.

He flipped her over and she curved her back to receive him.
She clapped her cheeks as he smacked her ass.
"Fuck me."
He ventured deeper and stroked harder. 
"Your dick feels soo good baby!"
She felt the sting of another smack as his right hand gripped her left shoulder.
"Your pussy is amazing. You're the best!"
"I'm about to cum!" she warned.
He reached around and fondled her clit.
Rose let out a scream as she climaxed. 
She paused for a second and was ready for more.
She turned over to face him.
"My god you're so WET!"
Rose bit her lip and responded, "It's all because of you."  
He leaned down and softly kissed her neck.

Jason closed his eyes and yelled "Aww FUCK!" 
It was clear he wouldn't last much longer. 
He planted his left hand her stomach.
"You bouta come for me babe? I'm comin again."
"Damn yo pussy feels good."
He pounded her until they both climaxed.
The two collapsed with exhaustion.
Rose grabbed a washcloth and 2 bottles of water. 
They locked eyes and appreciated the beauty of their experience together. 
"You're a beast!" Jason proclaimed as he pushed her hair out of her face.
Rose giggled. 
She lay on Jason's chest until the next morning. 
What happened in the shower is another story. 

Whadya think? I hear you wondering whether I think I'm Zane or somebody. I assure you, I don't. 

Rose & Jason: One HELL Of a Night (Part 1)

Warning: The following is an erotic story.

It was the evening after their third date. 
Rose agreed to allow Jason to come up to her apartment to watch football and polish off a bottle of red wine.
As she waited for Jason to park his car, she slipped out of her jeans and into her fav "throw on" dress.
Rose was "over" the dating scene so she was surprised at how much she enjoyed their first two dates.
One at a steakhouse and the other at a concert. 
She kissed him on the first date, a set up courtesy of mutual friends. 
She remembered how much she enjoyed the taste of his lips as they pressed against hers.  
He was delectable. 

Rose couldn't stop thinking about Jason. 
His biceps. 
His glutes. 
His comforting voice.
He was her "type" and the first man who piqued her interest in over 2 years.
He's six feet tall with caramel skin and smooth fingers. 
As she tried to resist him, it was no accident that Rose was hard to read. 

She answered Jason's knock at the door and instructed him to make himself at home.
The two laughed and sipped wine for 2 hours.
Rose didn't mind that Jason stayed long after football was over, but it was time to say goodnight.
As their bodies met for their hug goodnight, Rose let herself fall into his 6 foot 3 inch frame. 
She let his arms engulf her 5 foot 4 inch frame. 
She allowed herself to appreciate his toned arms wrapped around her body. 

As they separated to bid each other goodnight, he leaned down for a kiss. 
She was prepared for a kiss on the cheek, but didn't pull back when his lips found hers. 
Rose's mind filled with impure thoughts as she felt him lightly sucking on her bottom lip. 
As their eyes met, she could see the desire in Jason's eyes.
It sent her into a frenzy.
Their lips were departed a mere moment before she went in for a second round. 
This time was more passionate than the last.

They stood at her door kissing passionately.
Her hands wandered down to his growing penis.
He lightly kissed her neck as she moaned.
"You have no idea how badly I wanna please you."
Rose wanted to find out.
He kissed her ear and hoisted her against the wall.

They were both hot and ready. 
The sexual tension in the air was undeniable. 
She led him to the couch and straddled him.
He slipped a finger inside her.
She reached over and turned the light off.
Gametime.

CLICK HERE FOR PART 2!

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Ratchet Song of the Day: Lil Mama's "Lip Gloss"

Today's song is brought to you by Starter jackets and freshmen willing to do anything to be cool. When she's not jumpin on stage ruining Jay-Z's performances, Lil Mama actually tries to make music. Did you know that? Did you also know her & Lil Bow Wow have NEVER been seen in the room at the same time? Just sayin they're probably the same person. I told y'all on Tuesday ratchets can take anything and make a song about it. Listen with me. 

 The concept of the video focuses on a young girl's dream of being popular coming true because her lip gloss was poppin. ::singing:: "My lip gloss is poppin." This song has garnered over 4 million views on YouTube, but that is no indication that we want her to keep making music. I hope she keeps cashing those ABDC checks. You have my permission to play this joint again and not be judged LOL! 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Why Going From Ex-lover to BFF is Impossible

Let me start off by saying it's not always easy to detect tone in a blog post. I want y'all to read this with the best impression of a blunt bitch you can muster up. K? 

Moving on. . .

Can you be friends with your ex? Some of y'all say yes. I say HELL NAW. Why would you want to be friends with your ex? I'm ACTUALLY friends with ZERO of my exes. We don't hate each other, we're just not friends. It will stay that way.

Pause. This is a perfect time to address the loose application of the friend label. Everyone is NOT your friend. Some people are merely associates who don't even wanna BE your friend. I suggest all of you take some time and figure out who your friends are. If you think you have more than 5-6 TRUE friends, you're wrong.

Back to my point.

I learned about this "Ex-lover to BFF" pipeline while having one of those "pretend you care about their business outside of work" convos with a co-worker. My co-worker made the  convo awkward after she said "Oh my BF and me broke up. We're still friends, tho." I had been practicing my "that's the craziest shit I've ever heard" face and I got to use it on her. I had to hide my excitement. I like when I get to use my new faces. She explained how he wanted to move on, but she didn't. She put in her friend request & he accepted. 

I interrupted her with a stern "I.am.judging.you." 

I hear you screaming asking how did that happen? Well duh! He says, "I don't want to be with you anymore" and she responds "Ok. Let's be BFFs then!" and he agrees. That doesn't even make sense. Of course, in most breakups there is one person who wants to breakup more than the other. Staying "friends" is a pitiful effort to stay connected. Grow some balls and make a clean cutaway. Dragging on a friendship can make a breakup worse. The person who didn't wanna break-up is forced to pretend he/she isn't bitter and the person who did finds it awkward to move on. 

Here's one thing: I don't trust a man over 25 who is still stockpiling friends with coochies. I don't have time to make new male friends. I don't want new male friends. I have enough dick in my circle. I don't trust newly formed platonic friendships between people who have made each other climax.

Riddle me this: What kinda friends are y'all gonna be? The kinda friends where you get invited to each other's weddings? The kinda friends that get invited to intimate birthday dinners? The kind that spend Thanksgiving together? Phuck that!

The only kinda friend you can be with your ex is the kind you end up drunk texting for ex-sex on a Saturday night. Youz a simple bitch if you believe anything else. 

Here's another thing: Women tend to suggest that the two of you remain friends after a breakup. Men do it too, tho. Unless he/she tried to kill you, being friends after a breakup doesn't sound like a horrible idea. Until it is. Until you find yourself acting on the simmering passion and having sweaty "for old time's sake" sex. No bueno. 

Give me ONE good reason why the guy you have known for less than a year deserves to be your bff? 
Why are y'all keeping in touch?

What was so GREAT about your relationship that you two don't work as a couple, but you work as friends?

What will they add to your life that you cannot get from someone else?

Can you trust his/her relationship advice? Naw.

Can you tell 'em about your relationship problems? Naw.

Here's one last thing: Staying close friends with your ex encourages co-dependency. It hinders your healing. You can't really move on when the person who reminds you of your pain is always around. Maybe it's the jealous scorpio in me, but I wanna wish you the best bro...from AFAR. We don't need to be friends. Besides, I know the most I'll get from being your friend is one night of "one last time" sex and I don't want that. I'll be ok if I never connect with you again. Am I wrong for that? I'll be that. 

Remember you teach people how to treat you. Staying emotionally connected to someone who has broken your heart shows them hurting you didn't have any consequences.  That's my time. 

So whadya think? Is it impossible for exes to be friends? Remember you can be honest cuz Raine don't judge. 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Ratchet Song of the Day: Webstar's "Chicken Noodle Soup"

Today's song is an homage to fall. It is sponsored by folks who shop at Rainbow and everyone who was ever their highschool's class clown. Since it's 53 degrees in the District today and many of us are suckin on soups, it's only right that we pay our respects to everyone's favorite season. This song allows me to highlight the ingenuity of ratchets: they can take ANYTHING and make it a song. These folks took the iconic fall delicacy, chicken noodle soup, and made it a song WITH an accompanying dance. Listen with me. 

Not sure why ol girl is clearly in the hood dressed like she just got off the tennis courts, but I'm not judging. Ratchets love Polo. If they can make a song about chicken noodle soup, I should be able to rap about fried tilapia and cheese grits. I've never looked at chicken noodle soup the same. Thanks Webstar. 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com