Conversations With a Female Cheater, Part 3

A woman's intuition. It's one of those things that is hard to describe unless you have experienced it first hand. I don't really know how to describe it other than it being a "feeling" you just can't shake. Since oodles of people think the emotional nature of women is what makes us crazy I'm gonna refrain from speaking about being a woman with a "feeling." 

In case you missed parts 1 and 2, just click here and here. Don't say I never made it easy for ya. Now, let's get into what you came here for. 

Being the Victim

Let me start by saying I believe in karma. I know everyone doesn't, but I do. Trust me, that is relevant. Moving on. How about we start in the middle? Why? Because the middle is where the challenges show up. The beginning is the honey moon period where everything is just peachy. 

The first time I suspected that "Josh" was cheating was after he abruptly cancelled dinner plans that he previously seemed so excited about. I know that sounds crazy, but stick with me will ya? He had taken rainchecks on lunch dates but this time felt different. I don't know why I didn't believe his reason for canceling or why my mind immediately went to "Omg he's cheating on me," but I didn't and it did. Woman's intuition. The call came 20 minutes before we were supposed to meet. He told me something had come up and he would make it up to me. I expressed my disappointment, but told him to handle his business. So I sat there. Did I mention I was fully dressed? Not the kind of fully dressed where women actually need an extra 20 minutes. I was the kind of fully dressed where I spent the entire day mulling over my outfit and was gonna be on time.  

I let him make it up to me, but I couldn't shake my intuition. He was hiding something. He let me use his phone one day and his entire call log & text message history was wiped clean. Of course I went thru it. Who takes their cell phone in the bathroom? He was telling lies about unnecessary things. He was such a bad liar I felt disrespected. We went on a few trips, created new memories and it seemed like everything was everything. A few months went by without incident and I decided to relocate to a new city. He tried to talk me out of it, but I wanted to leave. I felt like I had grown out of my current city and I wanted something fresh. I secretly hoped he would do more than try to talk me out of it. I looked for him to show me he wanted me to stay instead of just telling me. He didn't. He didn't do anything to show me that staying would make our relationship better, so I left. Unbeknownst to me he held a grudge against me for leaving.

Fast forward a few months after my move and I got a Facebook notification that one of my friends had commented on a photo he was tagged in. Oh yea, shit got real. What was the photo? It was Josh and another woman and it was captioned "Josh and I. The only couple at the singles mixer." Couple? Say what?!!

I called Josh to let him know what I saw. He denied it. He said the picture was old and he doesn't know why our mutual friend was just now commenting on it. He quickly ended the phonecall and said he was in the middle of something at work. Wrong answer. 

Unsatisfied with his reaction, I went back to my computer and clicked thru a few more of her pics. At this point, I'm panting. I'm in disbelief. I'm spazzing. I'm tripping out. There were badly cropped pics of her prominently featured with his arm around her. I knew it was his arm because of his watch. The captions explained how he didn't like to be photographed. He had met her mom and sister and she had met his friends and his mom. I felt so betrayed. They were, indeed, a couple. He was in a whole 'nother relationship. How stupid was I? How clueless was I?

I went to go look thru his photos, but he had deleted me from his Facebook friends. When I searched for his name, 2 accounts popped up. One account where he had a mix of his real friends and another where he had over 200 female friends and 2 male friends. He would later explain that he deleted me from Facebook by mistake and that he created a second profile because he forgot the password to the first one. Like I said, Josh was a horrible liar. 

I won't disclose the circumstances under which she and I began communicating, but we did. She looked like a chunkier version of me. She was apologetic. She felt stupid. She told me everything and I shared some things with her. I needed to put the puzzle together so I took special care to make our interactions non-argumentative. Josh says I manipulated her, but I disagree. I had accused him of cheating and he told me I was crazy for thinking he would "do that" to me. I needed to know that I wasn't crazy for thinking it.

It took a few AIM sessions with her before it all made sense. She had seen my photo comments and he explained them away. All of a sudden his particularity made sense. It also made sense why our couple pics looked misplaced in his apartment. I know you're probably thinking that the circumstantial evidence was staring me in my face, but catching him red-handed made the difference for me.

I took on the weight of the failed relationship. I felt like everything I had done in my previous relationships had come back haunting me pressed down, shaken together and running over. Karma is a bitch, aint she? Still, I wished so many things were different. I wished I had snooped. I wished I was more suspicious. I wished I never trusted him. 

Then I stopped wishing. 

I had to take responsibility for what was happening. 

It was me who agreed to a relationship even when I knew he wasn't ready. 

It was me who gave away my trust when he showed no interest in actually earning it. 

It was me who made excuses to keep "working on us" after he messed up.  

Being the victim was one of the most devastating experiences in my young life. Should I count that as a blessing?  
I was thinking that no man would dare cheat on me. Thats right, I felt like I was such a great woman that no man would dare do anything other than treat me like a queen. It was an eye-opening experience. The first few weeks were tough, but so necessary. It was hard letting go of my best friend. 

I stopped trusting my judgment. 

I started evaluating my standards. 

I lost some of my confidence. 

I started to truly love myself.

I started questioning why I ignored red flags. 

I chose to grow from it. I emerged from the experience a new woman with a new perspective on what it means to be in love. I was determined not to be bitter. I started by taking responsibility for my role. Truth is I allowed myself to fall for someone even after seeing the red flags. I knew he was a manwhore, but I thought I could change him. I thought I was special enough to make him WANT to change. 
Oh to be young and naive. 

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