Conversations With a Female Cheater, Part 1

From the moment we enter into relationships, women are burdened with the task of doing what it takes to keep their man from straying. 
"Cook for ya man so ya man won't cheat." 

"Stay in shape so ya man won't cheat."

"Give good BJs so ya man won't cheat."

"Give up the cooch so ya man won't cheat."

The way women are told to do certain things or else their man will cheat is enough to make you think men shouldn't worry about their woman cheating. They better wake up.
Although some think female cheating is worse than male cheating, men aren't threatened with the possibility of cheating the way women are. When have you heard someone say, "Let ya woman speak her mind or she's gonna cheat" or "Put the Madden 13 down or she's gonna cheat?" I'll wait. Oh, you got nothing? Moving on. 

Recently, I watched Diary of a Cheating Woman, a self-described "docudrama that explores the subject of African American women in relationships who are unfaithful." I expected it to provide a platform for women to share about their unfaithfulness and help people understand why they were so. I expected to hear women share about their lack of intimacy, struggling with their self-esteem or not having enough sex.  I was sorely disappointed. Instead of in-depth interviews with women, I watched as men speculated about why the women cheated.  I'm sick of men giving their perspectives about how women feel. Why are people so afraid to ask us? How do you produce a film about women being unfaithful but you focus on how the men felt about being cheated on?

I've been on all three (yes three) sides of cheating: the victim, the cheater and the other woman. Ironically, those things came to me in reverse order. I was first the reckless woman who thought it was cute to deal with another chick's man; then, I became an emotional cheater; finally, I became the victim.

I do not, by any means, seek to speak for all women in writing this. I'm not here to give advice to female cheaters or the men who fell victim to them. I chose to explore the female perspective on infidelity since its a bit more complex than the perspective of a cheating man.

How did it feel to be on each side?

Being the OTHER Woman
I knew from the beginning that Jason had a girlfriend. He was upfront about it the very first time we met. I didn't care. It was clear he wanted me and that was all that mattered to me. I knew I could "take" Jason from her when I was ready. I told myself getting involved with him was ok. I didn't care much about his fledgling relationship because I figured his decision to pursue me was indicative of how little he cared. I didn't have low self-esteem and I didn't doubt that I could get my own man. Being the other woman was an adrenaline rush for me. I'm an adrenaline junkie. The bigger the risk, the better the high. I got a rush anytime we did something where there was a high risk we would get caught. At his request, we would go on dates around town. The same town where his girlfriend lived, worked and attended church. 

He often vented about his girlfriend's laziness and closed minded-ness while praising me for being the opposite. He had a way of comparing the two of us and making it so I came out on top. I was young enough to let that stroke my ego. He bought me lots of gifts and explained how she'd stopped appreciating his purchases. He told me about their arguments and how he handled the cheating accusations. 

I'd be remiss if I didn't admit that I knew my role. I played it without qualms. I knew the best time to contact him and the best way to get in touch with him. I never started beef with his girlfriend and I never wanted to. I didn't want the strings. I didn't want the commitment. Even after he told me everything about her and their relationship, I never had negative feelings towards her. After a few weeks, he left his girlfriend to build a relationship with me and he told her about me and about us. She didn't take it very well.

Ever heard this song?

Tune in tomorrow for Part 2. 

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