The 5 (Ugly) Truths About "Settling"

A few days ago while on one of my morning runs I ran into a woman who was visibly upset. She wasn't crying, but if she walked by a group of men they would probably tell her to smile. Anyway I have this thing where I attract strangers who tell me their problems even when I don't want to hear them. With the increase in the number of times I'm out in public due to work, it happens about once a week. 

Back to the story. 
We're standing at a crosswalk and we're doing that thing where you're standing next to someone and trying to pretend you're not watching them. 
You know the thing. 
I could sense that she was upset, but I was tryna focus on my run. She turns to me JUST as my iPod is between songs and says with a fierce tone "Don't EVER settle." I must have looked at her with the "wtf face" because my reaction gave her cause to tell me more. She continued, "Don't ever go for a guy because he's nice. Everyone can be nice. Don't tell yourself there are things you can get past like messed up teeth or the fact that he doesn't have a job, or a place to stay. Don't settle, ok?" 
It could be the fact that having a nice smile is on my list of things I desire in a man. It could be that the first word that comes to mind when describing the last 3 guys I went out with is "nice." It could be the fact that I've been dating pretty consistently and I'm not head over heels or whatever. Something she said struck a chord with me. 
Hello...my name is Raine and I am afraid of settling. 

My friends call me picky and say I have crazy standards that are impossible for one man to meet. 

I (obviously) don't agree. 

Let's get my list out of the way, shall we? 
1. Must love God & have a relationship with Him.
2. Be honest.
3. Be loyal. 
4. Be adventurous/spontaneous.
5. Be funny.
6. Be a hard worker.
7. Have (at least) a mid-level credit score.
8. MUST have nice teeth. 
9. Either no kid OR one kid max. If he has a kid he MUST be an active father & no baby mama drama. 

That was my primary list. None of those things are deal breakers set in stone. If I like a guy enough, I'm willing to work around some thangs. I also have a secondary list that I don't normally share. That list includes things that are not quite deal breakers, but are likely to lead me to be more serious about getting to know a man who has things on the list. Things like he must be taller than me, enjoys traveling, has a least a bachelor's degree, impresses my friends and is a non-(cigarette) smoker. Ya know, the things that make ME look good for cuffing a great guy like him.

Although the dictionary defines "settle" as, "To put into order/ arrange or fix definitely as desired," that definition is outdated. To "settle" has become a terrible awful thing to do.  Socially, it has come to mean, "To affix oneself to another as available." In other words, you commit to the boo you have cuz that's the best thing available at the moment. To me, settling is ranges from accepting that your boo doesn't have that "one thing (word to Amerie)" you always dreamed they would have to accepting that no one is perfect.

But...what does settling LOOK like? 

Is it marrying a man who makes six figures, but can't be the beast you know you NEED in the bedroom? 

Is it marrying the guy who makes you laugh, but can't afford to take you out for a nice dinner if he wanted to?

Is it marrying the opposite of your dream guy/girl? 

Is it when a dentist falls in love with someone with jacked up teeth because they can be fixed?

Is it when an accountant falls for someone with bad credit?

Is it when a lawyer falls for a convicted felon? 

Is it when a Pastor falls for a prostitute? 

These are serious questions so don't you dare laugh.

This brings me to today's topic: 5 UGLY Truths About "Settling."

Here we go. . .

5. People Settle "Just Because." When people settle, they don't do it for true love. They do it for some reason other than true love. They were lonely. They were tired of being single. They were ready to get married and have kids. They turned 30. Soooo...they settle. That's all good until you end up on the wrong side of that 50% divorce statistic.

4. Father Time is a B*tchAss. The pressure to "settle down" increases as you get older. As time passes, our list of standards gets smaller (and perhaps more realistic). While it's easy to refuse to date men with kids at age 25, a man with a baby mama doesn't seem so bad when you're 35, childless and have never been married. 

3. Men Don't Worry As Much As Women. I'd like to say that men worry about settling as much as women, but they don't. That's not to say they don't worry at all, just that the pressure is different. The only thing that men my age truly worry about is getting the wrong woman pregnant (and possibly having an ugly daughter). At least that's what I've been told. 

2. You MUST take your "settle" to your grave. No real man or woman wants to be settled for. You can never tell the person you're with that they weren't your 1st choice. You can never use it as ammo in an argument and you can't use it as an excuse not to be your best self for them. 

1. Settling Doesn't Include "Fireworks." Settling is denying yourself the feeling of being truly in love. Love is supposed to be special and give you butterflies. You're supposed to enjoy spending time with the person you love. When you settle, you don't allow yourself to feel that about your boo thang. Disney sold us a dream of "Happily Ever Afters" and endings with a Prince Charming riding in on a white horse to save us. Disney didn't teach us about settling. 

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s one of my married friends pointed out...people don't like it when you put standards on love. It's supposed to be organic and happen naturally. Or whatever. Still, the idea of settling for less than your dream guy/girl is the elephant in a room full of single chicks. 

So what do you think? Would you rather be single than settle? Have you ever settled? Will you ever settle? 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

10 Fuct Up Things I've Learned About Dating as an Adult

Dating sucks. Can we agree on that? Good! We're friends now. Glad we got that outta the way. I get tired of finding appropriately seski outfits and pretending to listen to men talk about work at fancy restaurants. I'm tired of telling people my favorite color. I'm tired of explaining to my family why I don't have a man or kids. I'm tired of the awkward opening conversations. In short, I'm OVER it. If you're still into it, good for you!

Dating in college was so simple. The dating pool in college was like shooting fish in a barrel. It was so easy. You could meet like-minded people in student groups, frat parties, tailgating parties, spring break in Cabo and the days you were sober in class. Everyone was sleeping with everyone but no one cared. I was boo'd up almost the entire time so I was just on the sidelines judging. Now that college is over and it's clear so many missed the opportunity to find their soulmate while earning a Bachelor's degree, so begins the process of dating as a working adult (age 24+). In my experience doing so, I've picked up on a couple of fuct up things: 

10. You Ain't The Only One. Dating is a numbers game. No one puts all their eggs into one basket I don't care how amazing you are. Until you have the conversation about being monogamous, alway assume you've got some competition. 

9. Keep Your Dirty Laundry. People will laugh, but no one cares. You end up showing more about your character than you could ever say about the person you’re “blasting.”

8. People are too QUICK to Borrow Money. If I didn't help you acquire that bill, don't ask for my help paying it.

7. Timing is Everything. That person who isn't ready for a relationship when you met them might not be bullshitting. Bad timing is a legitimate justification. Timing really is everything.

6. People are Crazy. Everyone has been heartbroken. Everyone has their reasons for being single. Some people have issues deeper than that. Give it time and the crazy will show up.

5. Love is a Choice. You chose to have sex. You chose to spend time together. Act like you knew you would fall in love. 

4. You're Officially Too Old to (insert teenage dating issue here). You're too old for sex in cars. You're too old for petty disagreements. You're too old to be afraid to have grown up conversations about sex. Your pass to be naive and reckless has expired. 

3. Use Your Network. If your friends and family are not in recruiter mode for you, they don't love you. Go out with the nice guy your grandma met at the grocery store. 

2. Social Networks are FREE Dating Sites. Why create a creepy and desperate Match.com profile when you could send a thirsty tweet or FB message and get better results? 
1. Everyone is Tired of Dating. That is the most fuct up part. I asked a mixed group of 10 men and women and they all said this. Don't question my population sample, just go with it. Some have gone as far as saying their next mate will be their last mate. It's *that* bad.

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, take a moment and reflect on your own dating experiences. I understand that some people have their own rules while others just go with the flow. Dating as an adult is one of those necessary evils. It’s an opportunity to learn about yourself through your interactions with other people. To one person you may be affectionate, but to another person you may be too clingy. It’s all about finding that one person who piques your interest enough for you to keep investing time in them. By the way, my boy G said Love is a choice & he’s right. Love is something you choose to do. You get to a point where you know if you continue to do certain things the feelings will surface. You just have to be honest enough with yourself because you might wake up one day and realize the person you can’t live without is smanging the chick who learned to speak his love language first. 

Smooches.

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Are You THERE Yet? 8 Warning Signs of a Rebound Relationship

Rebound: To go from a breakup to a new relationship in an effort to avoid facing the pain of the breakup. 

The best way to get over your ex is to get a new boo, right? Not always. While some rebound relationships work, jumping right into a situation with a new boo is just as damaging as staying in a relationship long after you should have left. The scars left over from your past relationship are not always visible. Y'all didn't come here to hear that kinda stuff so back to my point.  

You were down on bended knee, but it didn't work. You've come to the end of the road and now it's time to face reality: You're on the rebound. 

Supersonic. 

Being vulnerable after a breakup is normal, but there is just something about a bad breakup that leaves a special kind of hole. It leaves you yearning for a companion and reminiscing about the good times. It leaves you reading old texts and listening to voicemails they left. More importantly, it leaves you with unmet "adult" needs. While most people enlist the help of a rebound guy/girl they rarely inform he/she that they're merely a seat filler. I'm here for y'all. 

Here are 8 signs you're JUST a rebound guy/girl: 
8. They're Always Discussing Their Past Relationship. If they find a way to relate current situations to their past relationship or spend time comparing you to their ex, chances are you're their rebound guy/girl. 

7. They're Still Bitter About the Breakup. If arguments in the current relationship are sparked by problems they had in a past relationship, you gotta give it up. Your partner is still living in the past & you're going to suffer for it.

6. They're Still Holding on to Keepsakes. They still have pictures on the nightstand. They still wear the jewelry their ex got them. They still have cards from holidays and birthdays. Save your feelings & get out while you can. 

5. They're Emotionally Unavailable. They want all the perks of a relationship, without the commitment. Nothing like a recent breakup to make someone uber cautious about proceeding with another relationship.

4. They Still Keep in Touch with their EX. *Waves HUGE red flag* Keeping in touch with an ex and calling them a "friend" is a dangerous situation when the breakup is still fresh. They're still talking and keeping their feelings fresh.

3. They NEED a Companion to Function. If your partner doesn't know how to wash their own laundry, manage their money, clean their living space or make a home-cooked meal then chances are they're only with you because you can do those things. Think about it. 

2. Your Relationship is a Secret. You can't post pics. You can't take pics. You can't even explain how the relationship works to your friends. Y'all aren't celebrities or public figures so why are you lurking in the shadows? *crickets*

1. They're Rushing. If they are really serious about making the relationship work, they would take it slowly. Rushing the relationship is just a sign that they don't intend for the fire to burn for very long. Any person who jumps from one serious relationship to another is not stable. 

If you're just a rebound and that's all you want to be, I'm not judging you. Live your life honey. I'm just here to help you LIVE it up and be aware. On the other hand, if you find yourself in a surprise rebound relationship, the first step is admitting you're the rebound. After that comes a cease body-part sucking and touching order. No sex. No sucking. Cut all ties and walk away.

Being a rebound is no cause to be ashamed. We're all rebounding from one thing or another. Rebounding from past relationships is a learning experience. Treat it as an opportunity to learn something new about yourself or about how you deal with other people. A bad breakup is one of those moments of adversity where your true colors will show. Every situation is meant to teach us something. Be open to receiving the lesson. I know breakups are painful, but if you approach it with the right attitude you will emerge from the ashes a better person. Instead of bringing another person into your screwed up love life, face your reality. You will never heal if you don't face the pain. 

Toodles! 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Danger Zones: How to KEEP IT REAL With a Crazy Motherf*cker

This one is for the fellas who are honest about what they want, but still have issues with women getting dickmatized and forgetting their place. Although he thinks he's being straightforward and communicating clearly, he still found himself in a "situation" with a crazy motherf*cker. I'm here for y'all. 

Let's focus on the women for one second. Let the men tell it, we're ALL crazy motherf*ckers. Let's go with that. Some of us have dealt with so many "aint shit" men that we believe we have to decipher words. Us crazy motherf*ckers believe you're speaking in code. We've tried it before and ended up being manipulated on a technicality. We don't care because you told us you're honest. Our behavior is the fault of your brethren. We have been lied to so much that we don't think we can take your words at face value.  Forget tryna process what you're saying we're busy trying to decipher what you MIGHT mean. I'm serious. For example, even when she says she can handle your honesty what she really means is she's gonna listen and try to find hidden messages. Read that again. 

Sham fucking wow! 

First off, you gotta know who you're dealing with. Women are complex creatures. Crazy motherf*ckers, if you will. I can say that cuz I'm a woman. Don't call her a crazy motherf*cker to her face. You gotta remember you're dealing with a type of human who twerks to Bitches aint shit because she likes the beat. We stuff our feet into uncomfortable shoes and do stuff tryna get CHOSE. We spend thousands getting dangerous surgeries to "enhance" our bodies. We fight over men. We take relationship advice from bitter single women and unfunny comedians. We sew Indian and Brazilian hair to our African scalp and wear colored contacts. Got it? 

Allow me to translate a few of the most popular phrases. Call the State Department. 

1. He says: I’m not ready for a commitment. I just wanna have a  good time. 

He means: You tryna fuck?

She hears: I’m not ready for a commitment RIGHT NOW. I made this decision before I met you. When I see the best of you I will recognize your worth, change my mind & even reject BJs from random women. You can change me if you try.

What he SHOULD Say: I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to be your boyfriend. I just wanna smash. I only want to be around you if we're gonna smash. 

2. He says: I’m too busy for a relationship right now.

He means: I don't WANT to make time for a relationship. I just want some ass. 

She hears: I'm a really important guy so when I make time for you it means you're special. 

What he SHOULD say: My mind is focused on gettin money and gettin ass. I already have a job, so you tryna give me some ass?   

3. He says: I have a girlfriend but I’m not happy. I haven’t left her yet because I don’t know how.

He means: I have a girlfriend but she's holding her vagina for ransom. I’m not going to leave her, but I'm hawny. Now lets go get some bbq and get busy.

She hears: I’m not happy but I’m an honest man because I’m telling you about my girlfriend. Maybe you can help me figure out how to leave my girl and be with you.

What he SHOULD say: I have a girlfriend. I love her. I just wanna slide thru and smash<---you would be surprised at how many women will go for that! 

4. He Says: I Love Spending Time With You

He Means: I enjoy the time we spend together. 

She hears: I love you. 

What he SHOULD say: Thank you for giving me regular sex. (Refrain from using the L word at all costs!)

5. He says: I'm married, but we're separated.

He means: My wife is trippin. U tryna fuck?

She hears: Don't worry about that other woman cuz she doesn't matter to me right now. I'm single in my mind. 

What he SHOULD say: Yea I got a wife. You can be my mistress or my girlfriend. You tryna smash or nah? 

This is usually the point where I offer some advice about communicating effectively to women or how you can guarantee that your point is not lost in translation. Unfortunately, I dont have any fool proof way to escape it. Namely because I dare not underestimate the selective hearing of a crazy motherf*cker. It doesn't take much to set 'em off. Ya never know what it's gonna take. A missed phone-call or an ignored e-mail could be disastrous. I could tell the fellas to be more blunt with their feelings so women don't feel like we have to decipher your words. I could tell the ladies to stop being punks and ask follow up questions to get clarity instead of tryna translate on your own. I just did both of those things. Swag me out. 

Fellas, what are some things you have told a woman and you wondered how she got it wrong? Ladies, what are some things a man has told you and you took it the wrong way? Don't be shy. I don't judge out loud. 

Talk to me. . .

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Conversations with a Female Cheater, Part 2

What the phuck is going on? What are you reading? Why are you already on part 2? It seems like just yesterday we were on part 1. Well, we were. In case you missed the stellar intro to this series, peep part 1. 
Lets jump back in where we left off, shall we? 

In the prior chapter, I revealed that I have been on all sides of the cheating experience. Since I explored one side yesterday, what follows is me sharing what it felt like to be on another side.  

Being the Cheater

Before you start judging me and assassinating my character, I've never done more than emotionally cheat on a spouse. What kinda woman do you think I am? I would rather leave than allow the cheating to reach a physical level. Got it? Moving on. 

I started getting emotionally attached to a co-worker ("Ted") when my boyfriend didn't fulfill my emotional needs. I felt unappreciated, but I wasn't ready to leave. Ted was one of those nice guys who always finish last. I used Ted to help fill that void. Ted was part of the reason I looked forward to going to work. I didn't realize what I was doing until I stopped. Read that again. We starting chatting when he stopped me in the break room and asked me, "Are you ok?" and I responded, "Yes, I'm fine" knowing the look on my face contradicted my words. I'm not one to open up my life to complete strangers and that is what Ted was to me. My boyfriend and I had argued all the way to work and I had allowed it to affect my mood. That day I couldn't leave my outside problems at the door. I am a crier and I knew if I told anyone what happened I would be *that* girl who cried at work. 

A few hours later, Ted surprised me and brought me lunch to my cubicle. He told me not to worry about paying him back and invited me to join him to eat lunch together. I obliged. We decided to eat lunch outside. I knew he was gonna probe me, but I didn't careHe started off telling me about his family issues and how his struggles made it easier to recognize mine. He was single and frustrated with women taking advantage of him. His last girlfriend had swindled him out of $5,000. Dreadful. 

Our fling started with me venting about my sub-par boyfriend and it progressed into lunch dates and regular cubicle visits. Corporate America is allllll about the cubicle visits. I started sneaking around at home to call Ted. I used Ted as a sounding board to express my anger over what was going on at home. Eventually we started talking about other things and Ted wanted to explore more things about me.  Over the course of a few weeks, Ted developed and confessed strong feelings for me and he eventually asked me to be with him. I didn't feel the same way. It is quite possible that I gave him the impression that I was fed up. I *was* tired of feeling unappreciated, but not fed up enough to leave...yet. Our work relationship became awkward. He was willing to allow me the freedom to decide when to leave. I liked Ted, but I didn't want to get involved because we worked together. Also, for some reason, knowing he could fall for me when he didn't have all of me was a turnoff. Sue me. 

I never told my boyfriend about Ted. After Ted and I broke off our communications, things went from bad to worse in my relationship. Everything my boyfriend did annoyed me. Even the way he touched me was annoying. He was finally trying to do the things I had begged him for months to do and it wasn't good enough. His efforts didn't feel genuine. He didn't change because he wanted to, he changed because he was tired of me fussing about it. Besides, by that time I was already fed up. I had to let him go. 

I'll post part 3 sometime later today. 
Toodles! 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com