Love & Hip Hop Atlanta: Episode 5 Recap (LIVE)

For DirecTV customers, international folks who can't access VH1 and people who enjoy ratchet recaps, this here is the place for you to be tonight. Starting at 8pm I will be doing a live blogger recap of Love & Hip Hop. By the way, you look nice today. *Stevie J Face* 

Start the party off right by checking out the recaps from previous episodes then meet me back here at 8:00pm for live updates at every commercial break. Love me long time.
Episode 2 Recap
Episode 3 Recap
Episode 4 Recap
Its Showtime! *Swizz Beatz voice*
As usual we start with a quick recap. Just realized Scrappy has been rotating those Gucci t-shirts. I am not fooled bruh!

8:02pm Joseline meets Erica in a midriff bearing outfit. Her stomach is hard body tho. "I thawt che had sex wiff Stebie. I thawt he smashed her but I guess I was wrong" she says. I'm distracted by the amount of struggle at the end of her braids and Erica's rainbow bright earrings. "Stevie couldn't get it on my bad day" says the baby mama of Scrappy. Joseline is wearing a turtle neck and has a strong ass side profile. 

8:04pm Mimi packs up Stevie's belongings and kicks him out of the house he bought her. Gworlll you so independent. Her bff Ariane comes over to play her role as the coach for stupid hoes. Ariane is such a pretty woman. "As long as he keeps f*ckin with Joseline I'm not f*ckin with him. Period." Mimi is one of thee stupidest women in love. Thats not saying she is stupid. Thats saying she is stupid for Stevie. I'll leave it at that cuz I know some Mimis personally. 

8:06pm Momma Dee is at Lil Scrappy's house. He's layin in the bed he rented from Rooms-to-Go. Don't tell me I'm lying. Scrap had an asthma attack after he put them paws on Stevie in last week's episode. Oh gosh I just noticed his sheet is crooked on his bed. I'm petty. So lemme get this straight...Scrappy had an asthma attack after he started a fight? Bruh how you gone be a thug with asthma? Scrap tells his moms how Erica left him for dead during his asthma attack so she could go to work. It is kinda fuct up if Erica did leave him considering she's the reason he got into the fight in the first place. "I raised you to be a strong black man, I suggest you do that." Momma Dee is an example of why a girlfriend needs to win over a southern man's mama. 
*Commercial Break*

8:13pm Its K Michelle's time to earn her check. She and Mimi are getting pedis/massages. Mimi says she's over the "sit-you-way-shun." Gworll you better enunciate. Mimi says she's been receiving threatening texts from Joseline. This lets me further know Mimi is a punk. Real thugs don't send threatening texts. Aint nobody got time for that! I wanna see some screen shots.  Keyshia Cole 2.0 says she's over Karlie because she's messy.  "Senior citizens should not act like that." 2.0 & Mimi both say they're gonna hash out their issues with Karlie. Speaking of hash, I could really go for some tater tots. 

8:16pm Buckeey comes to see Scrap at his house. He still insists on calling her Shay. Ol disrespectful to Flava Flav ass. She looks a lot like New York. Maybe its the hair. Its unbeweavable. Scrap confides in Buck about Urka leaving during his asthma attack. They're sitting on the kind of leather couch all blacks buy when they get their first place. I don't get why Buck is there but make that money boo.

8:19pm Karlie meets up with Stevie J at Spivey's doing her best impression of a fake ass MJ wearing red pants and a leather jacket. Oh wait, Stevie J is performing. My earrrsssss!!!  Karlie says she wants a single. I'm willing to bet the farm she will do some strange thangs to make that hit record happen. SON! Karlie performs and she sounds like some hot ass garbage. She's stiff as concrete too. What kinda artist is she supposed to be? Joseline pops up with that baby hair wig again. I bet those struggle braids are under that mop. 
*Commercial Break*

8:26pm Steebie, Jose and Karlie sit down to discuss a collabo between the two "artists." Jose's eyelashes look like windshield wipers. Karlie says she's managed by Cash Money who requested that the two work together. I don't believe her! "I need you to do this" demands Steebie. Karlie says she unnastands the politics while Joseline sits her comfortable ass on that stool and throws shade bigger than a 100 year old oak tree at Karlie. Karlie just sits there. Ol weak ass. Neither one of them hoes can sang doe. Here goes Joseline speaking that extinct language no one understands. 

8:29pm Benzino is still in the script. The former owner of The Source magazine, current owner of Hip-Hop weekly and member of the Men Without Necks coalition is spittin game to Karlie. Its SO forced its hard to watch. I just remember his beef with Eminem so I can't take him seriously. They hug and her spiked jacket doesn't stab him. Bravo VH1 writers, BRAVO!

8:31pm Erica stops by Momma Dee's in some chandelier earrings and a tie-dye shirt. Momma Dee recounts the scene at the "Mercy room" saying Urka should not have left Scrap's side. She keeps callin it the "Mercy room" saying Urka leff Scrap fa dead. I bet she says "ambalambs" too. Erica obviously doesn't know better than to tell someone to "calm down" when they are at a thousand. "You leff mah chile fa dead" is all Momma Dee keeps sayin. She's overdue to get cussed out. 
*Commercial Break*

8:37pm Erica meets Scrappy so the two can tawlk. She put on her best smart girl glasses and Scrappy is also wearing smart guy glasses. They both smot. Looking at her earrings makes me wanna sing "Unda da Sea" from The Little Mermaid. I can tell Scrap is about to break it off with Erica to make himself feel better for sleeping with Buckeey. Erica is loud AF in public. Gworl aint nobody scared of you or that tictac tongue ring. Erica reveals she's been supporting herself while Scrap goes and blows all of his money at a club. I'm not surprised. Scrap walks away and leaves Erica at a table by herself. Guys always win public arguments. His yellow shirt is bright AF. ::Queue bananas in pajamas:: 2 points if you got that reference. 

8:40pm Mimi drops Stevie J's stuff off in the dirtiest black SUV I've ever seen. The wheels aint even shining. Didn't she know she was gonna be on tv? Basers will wash that truck for $10. hahahaha he keeps hitting Mimi with those Stevie J eyes. This shit is hilarious! He's so calm its bringing me to tears. Stevie wants to sit down and talk so he suggests going to therapy. Oooh the plot thickens! WTF is therapy gonna do tho? He said that shit to make her shut up. It worked. Stevie J is a smooth ass cat. He's got the fellas watchin taking notes. Mimi tells Stevie how Joseline has been threatening her. Stevie violated the playa ass rules man. He lost control of his side piece. That shit aint cool. Mimi still dumb. Oooh here come the fake tears. I swear I saw dust fly off of that dirty ass truck when she slammed the door. Stevie is left to pick up his 'longings outta the drive way. But wait tho, the boxes seem mostly empty. 
*Commercial Break*

8:48 pm K. Michelle and Rasheeda meet up with Erica. Its hard to keep these damn names straight. OMG what is up with Rasheea's earrings? Bamboo earrings dipped in red paint? Girlllaaaa!! Those are sooo 3 years ago. Erica tells the girls about Scrap's asthma attack. Rasheeda points out how petty Scrappy is being. Erica is being basic by not recognizing how her baby daddy goes back and forth because of somebody else. Of course there is somebody else! She doesn't think there is anybody else. Man if thats not the dumbest shit I've ever heard! Scrap got him a dumb one. He's lucky. K. Michelle tells Erica to give Scrap her ass to kiss. I endorse that advice. 

8:52pm Mimi and Keyshia Cole 2.0 are sitting down waiting on Karlie. 2.0's hair is laid tho honey! Yes gawd! Mimi is rockin a vest made of ostrich feathers. I don't get it. She's wearing poodle fur and Karlie is wearing a spaghetti strapped shirt. Whats the weather really like? I know Mimi is burning up! She proly been itchin to wear that vest and now she's literally itchin. KC 2.0 is right, you can't trust a woman who wears a rhinestone snake necklace.  She got that shit from a beauty supply store sitting on display right next to the eyelash glue. K. Michelle calls Karlie out because she is 40 without a Wikipedia page. Karlie shakes the table. "Don't shake unless you're ready to get shook." Apparently Karlie has slept with everyone in the industry and doesn't have receipts. How dreadful!

8:57pm KC 2.0 went into the restroom to calm down. Karlie has a keloid on her forehead. KC yells the fighting girl's favorite phrase "You don't know me I'm from (insert gangsta city)!" We got cheated 2 minutes! I am not happy! 

On next week's episode we see Karlie and KC 2.0 try to work out their differences but KC 2.0 says she Googled the elderly performer and a photo of vinegar was all she found. ahahahahahaha!!! Steebie admits he backslides with Joseline. Joseline's official language is still unknown.  Scrap asks Erica to take him off child support, "You still gone uuhh look out for me with that child support?" with the most pitiful look on is face! Rasheeda seeks outside management and Waka's mama is on the next episode! I'll be watching!!