Its NOT you, It's ME: 5 Misguided Reasons People Stay in Relationships

Picture it: You and your spouse are tag-teaming the dishes after one hell of a Sunday dinner. Suddenly, you glance at your mate and get a strange feeling in your gut. It wasn't the laxative the restaurant waiter slipped in your soup last night for calling him a douche. Its not butterflies. Its not love. Its not hate. After contemplating the feeling for a few moments, you realize the feeling you got in your stomach is the realization that you are no longer interested in being in the relationship. Your heart races and you have a mini panic attack. Over the course of several weeks, or months or even years for you cowardice mahfockas, you carry on the relationship as if that moment never happened. In fact, when your spouse asks "Why are you looking at me like that?" You deflect the question and give out unexpected lovin' as a mechanism of distraction. You continue to date and make whoopie as if you never had the moment. Until you can't.

Unless you're cold hearted or a Cruella De-Vil type of homo sapien, breaking up a seemingly great relationship is hard to do. No one cheated. No one lied. The relationship was healthy. It just isn't working out. Maybe you have spent too much time together and you need time apart. Maybe they finally stopped pretending and started being who they really are. Regardless of the reason you want to break up, its not fun to do when you're the only one who wants to put the break to the up.

But ya'll look so cute together. . .right? Cute doesn't cut it.

Quiet as its kept, you actually WISH your significant other WOULD cheat or lie or leave the top off of the toothpaste because it would make it easier to walk away. You know you should have broken it off a while ago but you just can't bring yourself to make a clean break. We stay in relationships too long not because of our spouse, but because of our own cowardice. Point is, the fact that its still cuffing season is not enough of a reason for people to stay together.  Step into the honesty circle with me. Couples all over the world are staying in unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships because they have convinced themselves it is not that bad. They have contrived misguided reasons for staying and have settled into the land of complacency. They stay past the expiration date for 1, or 5, of 5 reasons:

5. The Horizontal Polka. Ladies repeat after me, "A good man is hard to find and a hard man is good to fine." I feel you judging me. Don't act like you have never heard that before. Good lovin is hard to come by. Consistently good lovin' is even harder to come by <---PUN! Although some will make the argument that attractive men and women don't have problems finding a willing partner, I call Bullsh!t. There is a level of trust that comes with sexual intercourse and you can't trust everyone. From a female perspective, when we stay for sex we also stay because we want to keep our numbers low. Its tough to move on and then have to worry about how soon you should bump uglies with a new beau. Either way, giving up your wet-spot maker is no easy task.

4. Convenience. Face it, it is easier to continue dealing with someone you know than it is to go out and meet someone new. Besides the issue of where to meet normal people, there are risks involved with allowing new folks into the circle of trust. For one, all women are crazy. As a woman, I can say that but don't let me catch you repeating it. We all have our own little quirks and that is fine. Don't shoot the messenger. It is easier to deal with certain types of crazy than it is to go out and find a new, and possibly more dangerous, type of crazy. Combine this with concerns for financial security and the decision becomes even tougher to make.

3. Fear of unknown consequences. The fear of unknown consequences is a REAL concern.You can rehearse your words and try to predict your spouse's reaction but when it all falls down, sh!t could get real bad real fast.  This is mainly because some people change in the course of a break up and that introduces unknown variables. It could get ugly. You could realize you don't know your spouse as well as you thought you did. They rarely used profanity but during your attempt to break things off they may start calling you b!tches and muddasuckas. She could fill up your inbox with 15 voicemails or he could overload your phone inbox with 15 page texts asking for a second chance. Will he retaliate? Will she vandalize your car? Will he ever stop following you to work? Will they blast all of your secrets for all to hear and see? Can there be an amicable split? Will the two of you remain friends, or at least be cordial post-breakup? Will your friends have to pick sides? The situation gets a lot more complicated when kids are involved. These are difficult issues breakups force us to confront.

2. You don't know how to break it off. People are afraid of rejection. People are just as afraid of rejecting others. Women give out fake numbers to avoid telling a guy she simply is not interested. Now that you have decided it is time to break it off, the most difficult part is to actually go thru with it. You have to go over in your head what to say. You don't want to be too blunt, but you also want to make your intentions clear. As time goes on, you wonder whether a text message or a voicemail would be easier. You psych yourself out saying you will do it when the right time comes. NEWSFLASH: The right time never comes. Just when you thought the timing was perfect, your cat ate her goldfish. You don't want to be an insensitive douche. Unfortunately, this means you end up being too considerate of their feelings without being considerate enough of yours.

1. Avoiding Reactions From Family and Friends. Ya know those times when you log on to Facebook and see someone's relationship status go from "in a relationship with" to "single?" Awkward aint it? Its also a necessary part of ending a relationship in this day and age. Now imagine how awkward it is for the people who decide to comment on the status change with things like "but ya'll were so cute together." Now all 2567 of your Facebook friends know you're single and probably broken hearted. "Concerned" people send private messages of comfort and encouragement while vultures start to hover above waiting for their opportunity to make a move.

Thinking of how your family will react can also be a major factor. Your mother loves your spouse and so does the rest of your family. Your mother has never liked anyone you have dated. You know your mother will rip you apart for letting go of a "good thing." Rather than face her raft, you stay.

There is also the awkward-ness of showing up to different events solo post-breakup and having to cancel your mate's RSVP to things you would normally do as a couple. YES, this means you will have to cancel your +1 to everything. You could run an interference and find a new mate by the time the event comes around but that will just create another awkward moment.  

What do you all think? What are some of the reasons people drag on their relationships?

Freakum Dresses & Hot Tub Rendezvous: 5 ways to SPICE up your life

A few months ago I found myself in one hell of a FUNK.  Replace the "N" with a "C" and thats how I felt about pretty much everything for that short time. Thats right, I felt like it was all FUNKED up. But you didn't come here to hear about that so lets move on. Allow me to explain what I mean by FUNK. First off, its a feeling NOT a smell. By the way, body odor is NOT cool and perfume does not cover it up. Back to my point.  I don't mean the kind of funk where you don't shower for a few days. I mean the kind of FUNK where you don't feel like yourself. Your energy levels are lower than normal and you have fallen into a You're a tad bit more irritated than you usually are, you don't feel like doing much more than what is required of you. Your home is a bit messier than you normally allow. Most people would say you suffer from depression (if you think you do, you should go see a clinical psychologist), I say you have fallen into a funk. 

Snap out of it! 

Caveat: I know there are some people who have never been on a plane and  I recognize some people still don't have their passport. I recognize that many Americans are still struggling to introduce their ends (see what I did there?) but I also recognize that falling into a rut can make things seem worse than they are. I am by no means suggesting that people should go broke to make themselves feel better nor am I suggesting that you have to money to feel better. Having extra cash certainly does help but if your pockets are empty and you are determined to make a change you can find ways around it.

About the title: I was brainstorming a post today and I came across an old Spice Girls song. YES I still listen to the Spice Girls, I feel you judging me and I don't care.

Here are 5 ways to break yourself out of that FUNK you recently realized you fell into:

1. S: START looking for different things to do. Its easy to get into a routine. Once you're into a routine its easy to fall into a rut. Once you're in a rut its easy to get stuck in it because it becomes comfortable. Getting out of the rut is the challenge. Once you recognize you're in a rut and you decide to get out of it, start looking for things to break your routine. Implement an exercise regimen into your daily routine.   Google your current city and find out different events to do for the weekend. For those looking for an EXTREME change, look into transferring to a different branch of your company or transferring to a new location. For those looking for minor changes, you should change your nail color or switch up your hair style. Wearing brighter and more colorful clothing helps your moods as well.


2. P: PUT yourself in danger. Ok that might be taken a little too far. I'm not saying go out and start a fight with Smokey the Bear or start a forest fire. I am saying you should get out and do something that raises your adrenaline levels. Go to a theme park and ride all of the roller coasters sitting in the front row. Go white water rafting. Skydive. Bungee jump. There are few more exhilarating things you can do that might not involve risking your life:

Ladies, when you're going out for a night on the town with your girls, wear that dress you wouldn't normally wear. You know the spandex one with the insanely low back? Yea that one! Its called a freakum dress. Pair it with those high heels you haven't worn in a while. Tossle your hair with some curls and BEAT your face to no end. Go out and take over the dance floor. Enjoy yourself without reservations for what other people might think.

Gentlemen, go out for a night on the town with your friends. Put down your Xbox Live Call of Duty and get yourself out of the house. Go with the mindset that you are going to have a good time. Break from your usual spots and try out a new crowd. If you usually go to a loud club, try going to a lounge this time. Try a new kind of drink and get out to talk to people. Learn a new skill. If none of that works, you can't go wrong with strip clubs or sports. Its even better if you can combine the two. Find a place where strippers mud wrestle.

3. I: IMMERSE yourself in a new culture. Go to a different country, or even a different state, and learn about a new way of living. Try new foods, go on a museum tour and find out about their historic sites. If you don't have the funds to go to a new place, volunteer for a few hours at a shelter. The experience will help you appreciate the things you DO have and you will give back to your community. Seeing the impact of your time will help you feel better. Guess what else helping the less fortunate helps you with? Now that you have seen people more down on your luck than you, you can open your eyes and see just how GREAT you have it. Seeing other people down on their luck, you job doesn't seem that bad and your spouse isn't so annoying anymore.


4. C: CHECK into a hotel. You don't have to go far to find a nice hotel. Even if you check into a hotel near your home, the change of scenery will help you spice up your life.  Put on the fluffy robes and slippers and order tons of room service. Take time out to lounge by the pool or soak in the hot tub. Depending on the hotel's guest policy, you may be able to invite some of your friends to lounge with you. If you're single, sit by the bar and flirt with a few folks. Step outside of your comfort zone. If you don't have the money for a hotel, ask a friend or family member to allow you to spend a few days in their home.


5. E: ENJOY being alive. Life really is too short to sit around sulking and feeling sorry for yourself. Whatever caused you to fall into your funk should be acknowledged but its time to get over it. Be thankful that you were given another day of life. Decide that you want to get out of your funk. If you don't already do so, start taking a daily vitamin and make it a point to get outside for a short walk 4-5 times a week. Embrace your life! It is truly a gift. I know it sounds a bit whacky but if you genuinely embrace being alive you won't allow yourself to waste it being in a funk. We all have our grungy days and our lazy days but you should have them both in moderation. You were blessed with a life that has a purpose.  You deserve to live your purpose and the world deserves to benefit from your gifts.


'Memba this song?



Did I miss anything? What do you do to SPICE up your life? How do you keep yourself from falling into a FUNK? 

Wading in Shallow Waters: 5 Rules for Dating Pretty Women

 

People who date pretty women have a hard life. Don't be so quick to envy them, its not all bikinis and photo shoots. They are forced to look at an effortlessly beautiful face and laugh at dry humor on a regular basis. The world's smallest violin plays a sad song for them 24/7.

Caveat: While I believe every woman is beautiful in her own way, this post is about the women OTHER people think are beautiful too. I love all of you, but I think "pretty" women are a different breed and people need to recognize that. If you do not believe this post is about you, read it before you dismiss it. YES I know Julia Roberts played a prostitute in the movie "Pretty Woman." I am not saying men should date women like Julia Roberts' character I just found the photo and I enjoyed the movie. I didn't want to use the usual photo of Halle Berry or Tyra Banks to symbolize beauty.  Additionally, I didn't want you to focus so much on determining whether the person featured was actually "pretty." Yada Yada. Don't be pompous.

While all women can be difficult to deal with, Pretty Women are a special challenge. There should be a support group for men who date them. Until such time as the support group is formed, I am here to lend a helping hand. Alas, here are 5 rules every person must follow to ensure a successful courtship with a woman who is easy on the eyes. You can thank me now.

1. Don't be Jealous. When the two of you go out together, people will stare at her and completely ignore you. Accept that there will be moments where you take her out and people will wonder WHY she chose you. Lets be honest, sometimes you wonder the same thing and you still don't know! This means you never get to look less than your best. She is beautiful no matter what she wears or how she wears it. Accept it. Embrace it. You better take a page from Nick Cannon's book and bring your "A" game even when you're doing something simple like grocery shopping. Don't be the loser who runs her away because she is getting more looks than you in the mall. Don't be a loser and ask her to send back free drinks either. Thats $10 you don't have to spend! You better smarten up.

2. Never Stop Telling Her She is Beautiful. Do you know what beautiful women like? To receive unwarranted compliments. People assume pretty women hear compliments all the time and the truth is we DON'T. Did I say we? Heck yea I said we. You better believe I think I'm pretty and you should think the same of yourself. Since people assume we walk around with our noses in the air, they don't bother complimenting us as much. Why else do you think so many beautiful women hang their heads while drowning in a pool of low self esteem?? She doesn't hear people tell her she is beautiful often enough and when they DO tell her, she doesn't believe them. While I do not believe you are responsible for her self-esteem, it is your responsibility to make her continue feel beautiful. Don't believe the hype, we all have our rough days where we feel bloated and ugly. If you can't make her feel beautiful, another man (or woman) will. For best results, wait until she is having a grungy day pull her close to you and tell her you genuinely think she looks beautiful.

One last thing, before you become totally smitten with her, meet her mother. Understand the person you are dealing with is a BRANCH and you need to meet the TREE. You need to see what she will look like in 20 or 30 years so meet her mom and grandmom. Beauty is skin deep and some people don't age well. Just sayin...

3. Find out What Impresses her. This also means you have to find out what you have that is impressive to women. She will be approached by people with more money than you, a better car than you, a better education than you have and a bigger c*ck than you could ever dream of having. Guess what? There is a good chance she is NOT impressed by those things. She might even be turned off by peacock-like displays of material possessions. It is your job to figure out what impresses her and do that. If she does not care about what kind of car you drive as long as it doesnt make loud noises or emit smoke then you're going to have to find a new angle. This means you will have to improve your impressive-ness. If you thought telling her that you're a doctor would impress her but she responds with "Me too" you need a new angle.

4. Trust her. She will be approached by hundreds, if not thousands, of men. Trust her and believe just because she is constantly approached does not mean she is going to leave you for someone she thinks is better than you. "Don't leave the one you love for the one you like" right? Trust that if she has committed to dating you that she will honor her commitment. You should also trust if she realizes she can do better, she will. Men will flirt with her and she will flirt back but that does not always mean she is being unfaithful. It means she likes flirting. Chicks with big butts and smiles are dangerous but that doesn't mean they don't deserve a chance to earn your trust. Ok that was totally contradictory. Give her the opportunity to earn your trust and don't stop trusting her until she gives you a reason to.

5. Recognize her OTHER assets. Don't spend ALL of your time dwelling on her looks. Pretty girls hate it when people cannot look past their looks to appreciate other great things about them. Women are complex. I recognize that there are pretty women who use their beauty to get ahead, I am not talking about them. All pretty chicks are not smart and all smart chicks are not pretty. The stereotype about beautiful women with peanuts where their brains should be is true for some women. If you are lucky enough to get someone who has more going for her than her looks, you're winning! Run your victory lap. Pass go. Collect $200. If you see more in her than a bigg butt and a smile pretty face you are a smart person. It helps if you resist assuming that her looks are ALL she has going for herself. We could tutor you in differential equations, business law and Russian 3. You can follow #2 without making it all about her looks. If she can be President of #teambrainsandbeauty, recognize that. If she also has an adventurous side, be the smart man I know you are and take her on an adventure.

For all the pretty women out there do you think I missed anything? For the men-folk what are some things you have learned about dating pretty women? Do you think I have lost my damned mind? Wondering if I'm serious?

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Big Butts & Smiles: 5 Types of Women You Just CAN'T Trust

Since Eve switched her hips and convinced Adam to eat the apple from the Tree of Knowledge, men have been suspicious of women. With more and more studies proving that women are better at more things usually reserved for men, things are getting ugly. 


The media has been relentless in its efforts to re-brand women as more sneaky and less trustworthy. Ok maybe relentless is a strong word. Maybe tenacious? Yea thats better. Back to my point. The shift in depiction has caused women to become more paranoid about the way men-folk and even other women-folk are judging us. The result? Women are even more difficult to understand.  [As if understanding what we mean & knowing we say the opposite of what we mean wasn't difficult enough.]


While I resent studies that prove women are better cheaters or better at being sneaky than men, I must admit the premise of some of them is understandable. There are certain types of women who cannot be trusted. Aside from the type of women who will steal your wallet and help you look for it and those who will try to convince you to hand over your entire paycheck, there are some women you have to keep BOTH eyes on. 


At the risk of being kicked off of my team, here are 5 types of women you just can't trust.

1. Miss "I dont usually do this." Why you can't trust her:  Because there is a 90% chance that she usually does it. She says these words when she is doing something that would cause you to question her character i.e. swinging from chandeliers, giving it up on the first date or catching it on her chest.  She wants to do unmentionable things without being grouped with questionable people. She is cute so you WANT to believe her but she does "it" so well you just can't trust her.  She fears being associated with people who readily admit doing "it." If she was not so hung up on what people think about her, she would admit she is a PRO at doing whatever it is she is denying. You can also bet she does it OFTEN. She wants you to think you have the power to get her to do things she doesn't normally do. Here's a hint: allow her to think you believe her and then let her do her thing. She might be the best you eva had. Word to Drake. 


2. Miss "Determined to Keep my Number Low." Why you can't trust her: She LIES. Wait a minute, let me backtrack a bit. Women are raised to be conservative and ladylike. Well most of us are; some of us are raised by wolves and spartans! *wink* Back to the point. What you get when you ask her about her "number" is a number SHE feels comfortable telling you. Unfortunately, that number is not her true number.


*slaps hand over mouth* Did I just say that?! 


 She's probably created fake rules to justify why some people don't count. When our body count starts to rise, we shave off a few people. That one night rendezvous with Victor from work? It doesn't count. The one time she had sex on a first date? Nope, that doesn't count either.  What about that one time she went to South Beach and did something "stupid?" You guessed it! That doesn't count either. She has lied about her number so many times, she might have forgotten what it really is. She probably stopped counting after she hit the double digits. You can solve this problem and get her true number if you divide her number by 3 and then multiply it by 5. 


3. Miss "I would NEVER  let a man treat me like that." Why you can't trust her: This is a woman who looks at someone else's relationship and criticizes it from the outside looking in. She doesn't understand the intricacies of a relationship but she is always the first to judge and share her feelings. She makes her friends feel bad for giving their beau second chances. If she had her way, she would make you think all of her relationships are perfect, BUT she isn't fooling anyone. The truth is, she will make exceptions for the right man. As soon as she meets one of those smooth Kane Karrying brothas who catches her by surprise she does everything she said she never would. Before you know it, she is constantly making exceptions for him dodging soul piercing *side eyes.* Let's take a trip to the land of truth. We all fall down to that ONE guy who makes us look like an idiot. We make wild exceptions for him and we end up regretting them. Lessons learned. A real woman can own her experience and learn from it.


4. Miss "I dont have any female friends." Why She Can't Be Trusted:  Sisterhood is an integral part of every woman. While it is true that some women simply look for female friends to affirm their foolish behaviors, we all need true sisterhood to feel complete. Regardless of whether her best friend is your mother, the girl you bonded with in elementary school or the 3 women you met in grad school a woman needs a great friend. If she feels more comfortable being "one of the guys" she is one of two things: (1) confused about the way female friendships work or (2) so uncomfortable with her femininity side that she can't embrace female companionship.  If a woman truly cannot bond with other women she has deep issues. If you do not have a female friend, you are missing out on a beautiful experience. We need to connect with other women.We need girl talks and pow-wows. We need someone who can help us rationalize our crazy thoughts. Feeling like "one of the guys" is fun but there is nothing like female companionship. Miss IDHAFF will probably sleep with your best man 2 days before your wedding.

5. Miss "I live beyond my means" Why you can't trust her: She has a distorted view of reality. She is more concerned about what people THINK of her than she is about surrounding herself with people who love her for her true self. She is obsessed with brands and unconcerned about her financial future. Sure we are all tempted to splurge on expensive gifts for ourselves but we know better. She wants to live like Carrie Bradshaw on a Wal-Mart budget. Miss ILBMM is more likely to spend more than she makes and her spending habits can bring you down. She is immature and irresponsible. Don't be blinded by the bling. 


Do you trust chicks with big butts & smiles? What are some things women say or do that make you think you can't trust her? 

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