EX-Files: A Female Perspective on Taking Your EX Back

Breakups are hard. Do you know what else is hard? Realizing you were wrong. Breakups have a way of simultaneously clenching your heart, your soul and your dignity and making you feel like a loser. Bad breakups? They are even more difficult. Nothing ruins your day or your mood like an argument with your S/O that ends in violent words AND a breakup. Oh you thought it was just a small disagreement? Oh no honey, its OVA! Don't run out of the room to hide your tears yet, I'm just getting started. My point is, breakups are even more difficult when they are sudden and unpredicted. This is even more true when the break up is one-sided. Yea yea there are signs and blah blah blah but what happens when you reach a fork in the road of the relationship and your s/o decides to move on but you thought you were taking it to the next level?? Pick up your face from the floor and take a ride with me. I'll let you ride shotgun, but only if you play nice. 


Before you all start thinking I'm using this post as an excuse to throw one of my exes under the bus, the idea for this post came to me while watching this week's episode of Single Ladies. For those of you out of the loop, Single Ladies is a scripted reality series on VH1. It stars Stacey Dash (Val), LisaRaye McCoy (Keisha) and Charity Shea (April) as three friends, living in Atlanta, who have different views on sex and relationships. In this past Monday's episode, Val's ex-boyfriend contacts her and asks her to take him back. After 5 years of dating, the two-some parted ways 9 months ago when Val gave him an ultimatum to either marry her or break up with her and he chose the latter. He then moved on to get engaged two months later while Val was still devastated by their breakup. She managed to finally move on and *enter the love sick ex-boyfriend.* BTW, it was recently picked up by VH1 for a second season. Moving on. 

Everyone who has ever been in a relationship has a perspective on breakups. My perspective: It sucks a.ss! I take that back. Not all breakups suck, some breakups are good for you. Some breakups are the best part of the relationship. Some breakups are necessary so that the couple involved can move on and open up to their soulmate. 


Since I'm every woman (ok, not really but kinda), this is the woman's perspective. 

It starts with a few random thoughts and actions. We spend a few days crying and eating gallons of ice cream while talking off the ear of whatever girlfriend is unlucky enough to visit us that day. We miss class and maybe a day or 2 of work to get ourselves together. We walk around feeling empty. We question our judgment. We feel sorry for ourselves. We wonder how we could have spent so much time with someone we thought was “the one” and it didn’t work out? What is wrong with our relationship radar? Is it us? Is it the men we date? Is it the men we are attracted to? What makes the men choose you? Have you been dating the same type of man? 

Then we start the healing process. We take it a day at a time. A few months pass and we finally start to get back on our horse. Men are starting to notice us again. We start to feel sexy again. We start to feel like ourselves again. We replay some of the bad moments in the relationship and we realize that they weren’t just bumps in the road, they were craters worse than pot holes found around DC. We realize we ignored our instincts. We also dismissed red flags and character flaws in favor of “working it out.” We bought into the hype that our generation doesn’t know how to “stick it out” and were determined not to become a statistic. We read stories that fuel our feelings that marriage is not what it used to be. We find out that as many as 8 out of 10 marriages have infidelity issues and over ½ of American marriages end in divorce. Before we know it, we start to enjoy the single life: mini dresses and sky high heels in lounges filled with sexy men. We go on a few dates just to test the waters and come to terms with being alone.  We destroy all of the old photos and rid ourselves of the things that remind us of him. You get the point, right? 


We start to feel like we’re over him and we find happiness again. All of that is tested on one forsaken day when he contacts you and says he wants to try it again. He finally says the words you have been waiting to hear: “Lets forget about the past and try it again. Can you forgive me?” *Florida Evans voice* Damn. Damn. DAMN! 

Before you panic and pull out all of your hair, ask yourself 5 questions: 

1. Can you forgive him for reason you broke up? If you think you're going to hold a grudge, there is no reason to put yourself through the heartache. If you're strong enough to forgive, there might be a chance it would work again. 

2. Can he give you what you want? If he has the ability to make you happy, at least go on a few dates and see where it leads. You deserve to be happy. Maybe he deserves a second chance. 

3. What did he do to get you back? Was it a text? Did he fly across the country? If he was lazy, it may indicate he isn't really serious. If he went out of his way to get your attention again, hear him out. 

4. Can you openly discuss the past? If you can, that is a start to help you move on. If you can't and one party wants to forget it ever happened, then the question answers itself. 

5. Could you see yourself marrying him? If you can't, why are you even thinking about giving him another chance? 

Still can't decide? Obviously you can't because you're still reading hoping for a breakthrough. The way I see it, you have 2 options: You can take him back or you can continue living without him. Duh, right? If you decide to take him back, don't let him back in easy. If you take him back just because he says he has changed, there is nothing stopping him from starting a cycle of dropping in and out of your life. Remember you teach people how to treat you. If you allow him to throw you away and pick you back up like trash, he will continue to treat you like trash. Take time and honestly evaluate what your relationship was really like. Look at the relationship from an outsider's perspective and consider whether you were ever truly happy. Remember the good times you had, but don't forget about the bad things that happened. 

Now question his decision to return to you. Was he simply desperate not to be single again? Does he want to use you as a rebound chick? WHY do men have to lose a good woman before they realize we actually meant something? I wish I knew. It hurts when your loved one doesn’t fight for your love the way you want them to fight. Now, like Val's ex, he comes 9 months later and wants another chance. Our first thought is he is TOO LATE! If the words had come 1 or two weeks or even a month after the breakup it would have turned you to mush. Now you're upset that it took so long. You have both dated other people and now he's realized he won't meet another woman like you. *zing!* Is it really meant to be or is it a mistake you're going to make twice? 

We spent time stroking our own egos and learning how to be fabulously single. Now that you have the opportunity to make amends, what should you do? I imagine the popular opinion is to NEVER take your ex back. Exes are exes for a reason, right? How do you know if he is the one who got away or if it will simply end up making you look stupid for even giving him another chance? You have had hard times before but you worked through them before so why is this time different?

Regardless of what you decide to do don't ever settle. You deserve a lot more than what you decided to settle for! 

Peep the outro