Conversations With a Female Cheater, Part 3

A woman's intuition. It's one of those things that is hard to describe unless you have experienced it first hand. I don't really know how to describe it other than it being a "feeling" you just can't shake. Since oodles of people think the emotional nature of women is what makes us crazy I'm gonna refrain from speaking about being a woman with a "feeling." 

In case you missed parts 1 and 2, just click here and here. Don't say I never made it easy for ya. Now, let's get into what you came here for. 

Being the Victim

Let me start by saying I believe in karma. I know everyone doesn't, but I do. Trust me, that is relevant. Moving on. How about we start in the middle? Why? Because the middle is where the challenges show up. The beginning is the honey moon period where everything is just peachy. 

The first time I suspected that "Josh" was cheating was after he abruptly cancelled dinner plans that he previously seemed so excited about. I know that sounds crazy, but stick with me will ya? He had taken rainchecks on lunch dates but this time felt different. I don't know why I didn't believe his reason for canceling or why my mind immediately went to "Omg he's cheating on me," but I didn't and it did. Woman's intuition. The call came 20 minutes before we were supposed to meet. He told me something had come up and he would make it up to me. I expressed my disappointment, but told him to handle his business. So I sat there. Did I mention I was fully dressed? Not the kind of fully dressed where women actually need an extra 20 minutes. I was the kind of fully dressed where I spent the entire day mulling over my outfit and was gonna be on time.  

I let him make it up to me, but I couldn't shake my intuition. He was hiding something. He let me use his phone one day and his entire call log & text message history was wiped clean. Of course I went thru it. Who takes their cell phone in the bathroom? He was telling lies about unnecessary things. He was such a bad liar I felt disrespected. We went on a few trips, created new memories and it seemed like everything was everything. A few months went by without incident and I decided to relocate to a new city. He tried to talk me out of it, but I wanted to leave. I felt like I had grown out of my current city and I wanted something fresh. I secretly hoped he would do more than try to talk me out of it. I looked for him to show me he wanted me to stay instead of just telling me. He didn't. He didn't do anything to show me that staying would make our relationship better, so I left. Unbeknownst to me he held a grudge against me for leaving.

Fast forward a few months after my move and I got a Facebook notification that one of my friends had commented on a photo he was tagged in. Oh yea, shit got real. What was the photo? It was Josh and another woman and it was captioned "Josh and I. The only couple at the singles mixer." Couple? Say what?!!

I called Josh to let him know what I saw. He denied it. He said the picture was old and he doesn't know why our mutual friend was just now commenting on it. He quickly ended the phonecall and said he was in the middle of something at work. Wrong answer. 

Unsatisfied with his reaction, I went back to my computer and clicked thru a few more of her pics. At this point, I'm panting. I'm in disbelief. I'm spazzing. I'm tripping out. There were badly cropped pics of her prominently featured with his arm around her. I knew it was his arm because of his watch. The captions explained how he didn't like to be photographed. He had met her mom and sister and she had met his friends and his mom. I felt so betrayed. They were, indeed, a couple. He was in a whole 'nother relationship. How stupid was I? How clueless was I?

I went to go look thru his photos, but he had deleted me from his Facebook friends. When I searched for his name, 2 accounts popped up. One account where he had a mix of his real friends and another where he had over 200 female friends and 2 male friends. He would later explain that he deleted me from Facebook by mistake and that he created a second profile because he forgot the password to the first one. Like I said, Josh was a horrible liar. 

I won't disclose the circumstances under which she and I began communicating, but we did. She looked like a chunkier version of me. She was apologetic. She felt stupid. She told me everything and I shared some things with her. I needed to put the puzzle together so I took special care to make our interactions non-argumentative. Josh says I manipulated her, but I disagree. I had accused him of cheating and he told me I was crazy for thinking he would "do that" to me. I needed to know that I wasn't crazy for thinking it.

It took a few AIM sessions with her before it all made sense. She had seen my photo comments and he explained them away. All of a sudden his particularity made sense. It also made sense why our couple pics looked misplaced in his apartment. I know you're probably thinking that the circumstantial evidence was staring me in my face, but catching him red-handed made the difference for me.

I took on the weight of the failed relationship. I felt like everything I had done in my previous relationships had come back haunting me pressed down, shaken together and running over. Karma is a bitch, aint she? Still, I wished so many things were different. I wished I had snooped. I wished I was more suspicious. I wished I never trusted him. 

Then I stopped wishing. 

I had to take responsibility for what was happening. 

It was me who agreed to a relationship even when I knew he wasn't ready. 

It was me who gave away my trust when he showed no interest in actually earning it. 

It was me who made excuses to keep "working on us" after he messed up.  

Being the victim was one of the most devastating experiences in my young life. Should I count that as a blessing?  
I was thinking that no man would dare cheat on me. Thats right, I felt like I was such a great woman that no man would dare do anything other than treat me like a queen. It was an eye-opening experience. The first few weeks were tough, but so necessary. It was hard letting go of my best friend. 

I stopped trusting my judgment. 

I started evaluating my standards. 

I lost some of my confidence. 

I started to truly love myself.

I started questioning why I ignored red flags. 

I chose to grow from it. I emerged from the experience a new woman with a new perspective on what it means to be in love. I was determined not to be bitter. I started by taking responsibility for my role. Truth is I allowed myself to fall for someone even after seeing the red flags. I knew he was a manwhore, but I thought I could change him. I thought I was special enough to make him WANT to change. 
Oh to be young and naive. 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Ratchet Song of The Day: Nelly's "Hot in Hurr"

T.G.I.F!! Today's song is brought to you by sleeveless shiny jerzees, men who sag their pants and secret St. Louis bbq recipes. I figured the song is appropriate considering that this is the last weekend of summer and hot weather. Before he blessed ratchets with Apple Bottom couture, Nelly was a fine lightbright from St. Louis with 2 teeth covered in precious metals. Sportin' a band-aid on his face and pants sagging down to his ankles, Nelly spit country grammar on wax and gave women an excuse to "take off all yo clothes." After all, don't we just blindly follow the directions given to us via songs? Listen with me. 

Shout out to all the chicks who really did get to say, "Girl I think my butt gettin big" ahahahaha. Salute to my folks from St. Louis! 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Conversations with a Female Cheater, Part 2

What the phuck is going on? What are you reading? Why are you already on part 2? It seems like just yesterday we were on part 1. Well, we were. In case you missed the stellar intro to this series, peep part 1. 
Lets jump back in where we left off, shall we? 

In the prior chapter, I revealed that I have been on all sides of the cheating experience. Since I explored one side yesterday, what follows is me sharing what it felt like to be on another side.  

Being the Cheater

Before you start judging me and assassinating my character, I've never done more than emotionally cheat on a spouse. What kinda woman do you think I am? I would rather leave than allow the cheating to reach a physical level. Got it? Moving on. 

I started getting emotionally attached to a co-worker ("Ted") when my boyfriend didn't fulfill my emotional needs. I felt unappreciated, but I wasn't ready to leave. Ted was one of those nice guys who always finish last. I used Ted to help fill that void. Ted was part of the reason I looked forward to going to work. I didn't realize what I was doing until I stopped. Read that again. We starting chatting when he stopped me in the break room and asked me, "Are you ok?" and I responded, "Yes, I'm fine" knowing the look on my face contradicted my words. I'm not one to open up my life to complete strangers and that is what Ted was to me. My boyfriend and I had argued all the way to work and I had allowed it to affect my mood. That day I couldn't leave my outside problems at the door. I am a crier and I knew if I told anyone what happened I would be *that* girl who cried at work. 

A few hours later, Ted surprised me and brought me lunch to my cubicle. He told me not to worry about paying him back and invited me to join him to eat lunch together. I obliged. We decided to eat lunch outside. I knew he was gonna probe me, but I didn't careHe started off telling me about his family issues and how his struggles made it easier to recognize mine. He was single and frustrated with women taking advantage of him. His last girlfriend had swindled him out of $5,000. Dreadful. 

Our fling started with me venting about my sub-par boyfriend and it progressed into lunch dates and regular cubicle visits. Corporate America is allllll about the cubicle visits. I started sneaking around at home to call Ted. I used Ted as a sounding board to express my anger over what was going on at home. Eventually we started talking about other things and Ted wanted to explore more things about me.  Over the course of a few weeks, Ted developed and confessed strong feelings for me and he eventually asked me to be with him. I didn't feel the same way. It is quite possible that I gave him the impression that I was fed up. I *was* tired of feeling unappreciated, but not fed up enough to leave...yet. Our work relationship became awkward. He was willing to allow me the freedom to decide when to leave. I liked Ted, but I didn't want to get involved because we worked together. Also, for some reason, knowing he could fall for me when he didn't have all of me was a turnoff. Sue me. 

I never told my boyfriend about Ted. After Ted and I broke off our communications, things went from bad to worse in my relationship. Everything my boyfriend did annoyed me. Even the way he touched me was annoying. He was finally trying to do the things I had begged him for months to do and it wasn't good enough. His efforts didn't feel genuine. He didn't change because he wanted to, he changed because he was tired of me fussing about it. Besides, by that time I was already fed up. I had to let him go. 

I'll post part 3 sometime later today. 
Toodles! 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Conversations With a Female Cheater, Part 1

From the moment we enter into relationships, women are burdened with the task of doing what it takes to keep their man from straying. 
"Cook for ya man so ya man won't cheat." 

"Stay in shape so ya man won't cheat."

"Give good BJs so ya man won't cheat."

"Give up the cooch so ya man won't cheat."

The way women are told to do certain things or else their man will cheat is enough to make you think men shouldn't worry about their woman cheating. They better wake up.
Although some think female cheating is worse than male cheating, men aren't threatened with the possibility of cheating the way women are. When have you heard someone say, "Let ya woman speak her mind or she's gonna cheat" or "Put the Madden 13 down or she's gonna cheat?" I'll wait. Oh, you got nothing? Moving on. 

Recently, I watched Diary of a Cheating Woman, a self-described "docudrama that explores the subject of African American women in relationships who are unfaithful." I expected it to provide a platform for women to share about their unfaithfulness and help people understand why they were so. I expected to hear women share about their lack of intimacy, struggling with their self-esteem or not having enough sex.  I was sorely disappointed. Instead of in-depth interviews with women, I watched as men speculated about why the women cheated.  I'm sick of men giving their perspectives about how women feel. Why are people so afraid to ask us? How do you produce a film about women being unfaithful but you focus on how the men felt about being cheated on?

I've been on all three (yes three) sides of cheating: the victim, the cheater and the other woman. Ironically, those things came to me in reverse order. I was first the reckless woman who thought it was cute to deal with another chick's man; then, I became an emotional cheater; finally, I became the victim.

I do not, by any means, seek to speak for all women in writing this. I'm not here to give advice to female cheaters or the men who fell victim to them. I chose to explore the female perspective on infidelity since its a bit more complex than the perspective of a cheating man.

How did it feel to be on each side?

Being the OTHER Woman
I knew from the beginning that Jason had a girlfriend. He was upfront about it the very first time we met. I didn't care. It was clear he wanted me and that was all that mattered to me. I knew I could "take" Jason from her when I was ready. I told myself getting involved with him was ok. I didn't care much about his fledgling relationship because I figured his decision to pursue me was indicative of how little he cared. I didn't have low self-esteem and I didn't doubt that I could get my own man. Being the other woman was an adrenaline rush for me. I'm an adrenaline junkie. The bigger the risk, the better the high. I got a rush anytime we did something where there was a high risk we would get caught. At his request, we would go on dates around town. The same town where his girlfriend lived, worked and attended church. 

He often vented about his girlfriend's laziness and closed minded-ness while praising me for being the opposite. He had a way of comparing the two of us and making it so I came out on top. I was young enough to let that stroke my ego. He bought me lots of gifts and explained how she'd stopped appreciating his purchases. He told me about their arguments and how he handled the cheating accusations. 

I'd be remiss if I didn't admit that I knew my role. I played it without qualms. I knew the best time to contact him and the best way to get in touch with him. I never started beef with his girlfriend and I never wanted to. I didn't want the strings. I didn't want the commitment. Even after he told me everything about her and their relationship, I never had negative feelings towards her. After a few weeks, he left his girlfriend to build a relationship with me and he told her about me and about us. She didn't take it very well.

Ever heard this song?

Tune in tomorrow for Part 2. 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Ratchet Song of the Day: Kelis' "Milkshake"

Today's song is brought to you by the Dairy Queen drivethru and diners that serve breakfast all day. Back when 80s babies were in highschool, Kelis came on the scene with raunchy nuances, crazy clothes and a flawless face. Thats right folks, Nas' babymama brings you your daily serving of ratchet music and you will deal with it. Listen with me.
This song used to be the sh*t!! Who knew she was NOT talkin about a drink made with blended milk and ice cream? I sure didn't! When I got older I thought she was referring to oral sex, but Madam Kelis says the song refers to the things that blend together and make a woman feel confident. That means it could be anything from her wardrobe and her wit to her tongue-ring and her tits, ya know? Kelis may struggle to be relevant these days, but she will always have a special place in my life just because she was bold enough to make this song. ::singing:: La La La La Laaa!! Warm it up! 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Ratchet Song of the Day: Riskay's "Smell Yo D*ck"

Yes, the song title is real. I couldn't make this up if I wanted to. Today's song is brought to you by onesie's sold as "jumpsuits," chain belts and bleached hair extensions. Ratchet songs teach you things about life. Today we're gonna talk about cheating spouses, boys and girls. If you suspect your man is cheating and you're not sure how to address it just listen to today's song for guidance. This version is NSFW. Listen with me. 
Lets look past the low-budget look of the video, k? The fact that she was creative enough to turn this into a ballad where she's making a genuine attempt to hit notes gives me soooo much. Admittedly, I'm not sure what scent you would be looking for, but maybe it will come natural after you start sniffing around. I suppose if he refuses to let you sniff, you will either know he's cheating or he will think you're crazy and leave you. Its a win-win if you ask me. 

I told y'all femcees can give us ratchet music just like male artists. If you can't appreciate this song, its time to reevaluate YOUR life and stop killing dreams. 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Gabby Douglas Goes GOLDEN for Essence & Ratchet Links

While the Republican sh*t show shuts down Tampa, more positive images are in order. I could have chosen to feature a side-by-side of NJ Governor Chris Christie and President Obama, but I won't be messy. Moving on. Could I have chosen a different topic to discuss today? Of course I could have. Y'all should know about my love and appreciation for Gabrielle Douglas by now. She's been making her rounds in the media with appearances on Letterman, America's Got Talent, Oprah's Next Chapter and now she's set to appear in Essence. Her full shoot will appear in the October and November issues of Essence. 

Anyway...check out these links from around the web
WashingtonPost-Don't fall for the okie doke. Republicans are speaking code speak #staywokedawg.

WSHH-A compilation of those infamous "You are NOT the father" dances. 

Global Grind-A Spanish mag thought it was ok to superimpose First Lady Obama's head onto the body of a slave. They say its "art."Ok, girl. 

Complex Mag-Ever wondered about the right way to have casual sex? Here ya go darling. 

YouTube-Nephew Tommy prank called a white dude and told him the dude's wife was gonna have this black baby! Hilarious!

AskMen-Twitter taught me that there is such as thing as male kegels. Don't call it gay. Just do it and smang your lady right.

Bossip-Can't trust some church folks. This married pastor was busted for spreading HIV to members of his congregation. 

RealGoesRight-Ever wanted to answer those job interview questions with how you really feel? Get some ideas from this article. 

Kid-Fury-Wiz Khalifa got a tat of Buddha's face on his thigh. Now, do you know its real? 

BleacherReport-If your favorite guy friend has gone missing there is no need to be alarmed. Madden 2013 dropped. 

Meanwhile...this guy decided to walk his gigantic snake.

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com