For 80s Babies: The 7 C's of People Too Old For The Club Scene

80's babies are the next generation to be too old for clubs. 
Oh, you're an 80's baby and that doesn't apply to you? Cool story bro! 

A few months ago, I went out on a Saturday night. The crowd was "21 & over." For the sake of preserving his anonymity we're gonna call my accomplice "Pepper." Pepper and I were in the same area lookin for a good time so we met up at a club to help some random girl celebrate her birthday. I even "checked-in" on Facebook cuz we're cool 80's babies. We got our drinks and got a few dances in before we both ended up just people watching. My feet started to hurt so I made myself comfy in one of the only seats available. I sat for more time than I danced. Everyone around us is dancing and tryna get chose while Pepper and I had the point-and-laugh session of a lifetime. There was no shortage of big girls twerkin' too hard, old men tryna push up on young girls and pretty girls who didn't wanna sweat their hair out. 
We were having a blast. 
Then it happened. 
It happened and we were caught off guard.
The DJ got on the mic and said  "Whoooaaaa time just went back! Y'all get an extra hour to party!" The whole club erupted with ratchet celebration. They got an extra hour to be ratchet for no extra charge. Pepper and I looked at each other with shock on our faces and we signaled to each other that it was time for us to tap out. It was the 1st time I left a club before it closed without a plan to go to another spot. I felt old. Not only was I past my prime, but I felt it. My ears were ringing, my feet hurt and a headache was starting to set in. I acknowledged that I was outgrowing the club scene and Pepper felt the same way. We left the club smelling like defeat and oldassness. 

I had a repeat of that night this past Saturday when I hung out with my younger cousin who happens to still be in his glory days of undergrad. We started partying around 4pm and we were out until 4am. LISTEN. He had several parties lined up. I wanted to take nap at 8pm. He did not understand my struggle. On Sunday, he's up and ready to go while I'm struggling to remember where I laid my keys. I went thru the whole day feeling tired. I was so tired I left my phone somewhere and I didn't have enough energy to panic about it. I said "I'll look for that MF after I take a nap." 

Before you judge me and think I'm alone in this, here are some signs your ass is ALSO too old for night clubs

1. You Complain. The club scene is the same beast it has always been, but now everything about it irritates you: All DJs play the same music. It's too dark. The women are dressed like hoes. People are smoking. The drinks are too expensive. There are too many people in there. They were sold out of tables. There aren't enough seats. You had to drive around more than once to find a park. The DJ doesn't play enough songs from the late 90s and early 2000s. You keep seeing the same people every time you go out. Give it up boo. 

2. You Calculate. You are too old for the club if you have ever found yourself on the dance floor tryna calculate. You gotta go to work the next day so you're like "If I leave now I can get at least 5 hours of sleep." You don't go "hard" because you don't wanna be tired the next day. Nah potna just take your old ass home LOL! 

3. You Contemplate. After you get there you see a line and you say, "Damn look at that line. Its bout to be a lot of people in there. Ain't no tellin' what could happen. Imma just go home." This is a sign of oldassness. Why? Because when you were 18 and clubbin' you used to stand in line for college night religiously. You used to sneak into clubs. You didn't worry about hoodlums. Self preservation took a back seat to partying with friends. It could have been raining, snowing, hailing, and the bouncer was being a bitch about letting the line move but you NEVER turned around. 

4. You Have to be Convinced. You used to go out just for the sake of going out, but now you gotta have a purpose. You start thinkin' about all the trouble you gotta go thru: Parking, cover charge, lines, thirsty singles, etc. You're the person who stays home unless it is someone's birthday or going away party. You say you're over the nightclub scene but really you can't hang. You would rather sit at home with some friends and play Taboo. Old ass. 

5. You Catnap. Back in your heyday you used to go out to a club at a moments notice. Someone could come to you at 11pm and say "let's go out" and you would go without a problem. They could wait outside while you got dressed. Now you have to decide you're going out early in the day so you can prepare. You gotta squeeze in time for a catnap and prepare yourself mentally. 

6. You're a Smart Consumer. Back in your glory days you had "work" clothes and "party" clothes. You kept the two separate. You can't waste money like that anymore. You got bills to pay. Now you shop for things that can serve a double purpose. Ladies think about dresses we can pair with a blazer to make it work appropriate while the fellas buy button downs in work appropriate colors. 

7. You Can't Bounce Back. Even when your mind thinks you can party like you used to, your body will show your ass the truth. You went out and partied from 10pm to 1am and your ass is exhausted the next day. The next day is entirely unproductive. Fuck sunglasses and Advil you're just not gonna leave the house. You start thinkin' about the times when you could party like crazy and still make it to class. Back in college I used to be able to go out from 11pm-4:30am then shower and make it to work from 5:30-2pm and class from 4-9:45pm. I could do this about 3-4 nights a week and my GPA stayed above 3.5. I barely got any sleep but I was on the scene when it counted. Those were my glory days.  *sigh*

So if you are an 80's baby and you find yourself feeling like the club scene is no longer for you don't be alarmed. You are officially an "old head." Embrace it. There are lounges, happy hours and private birthday parties in suites at the W for you to enjoy. Give it up while you still have your dignity. Let the youngins have their fun. Don't be that old cat in the club tryna show you "still got it." You don't got it. 
 

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