Cookout 101: The 20 Things Yo Mama Forgot to Tell You

This is not an indictment on your mothers, just chill. Don't look at me crazy because I call it a cookout and not a bar-b-que. How many times I gotta tell ya'll I'm Southern? I posted this last year around Memorial Day but I decided to remix and repost it for July 4th. *Harlem Shake*

For those unfamiliar with this practice, a cookout is an event during which people who enjoy each other's company gather together and devour an ample supply of grilled swine, beef and chicken with all the fixins. You are also likely to find self-proclaimed "grill masters" and people who are serious about making great tasting food. 

Peep these 20 rules and share em with your friends. 
20. IF you arrived empty handed and have NOT contributed in any way you CAN'T have an opinion. If you arrived on time and didn't contribute your punctual ass can't have an opinion either. You have no credibility. You are not allowed to have an opinion about anything regarding the cookout. Ignore this rule and you won't ever be invited to another cookout. 

19. The host is responsible for making sure the food is cooked on time. If your guests were told to arrive at 4pm but the meat won't be ready until 5:30pm, its a problem.  If you didn't tell people it would be a vegan bar-b-que, I suggest you have the meat ready when the carnivores arrive. Don't be the one grilling and let me see you eating. 

18. Keep the outfits simple. If you think you need a bullet proof vest, stay home. Don't wear stiletto heels either. Suits are off limits. Don't wear all white.  If you are the couple who loves to dress alike, don't wear neon plaid. 

17. Don't park in the driveway 1st knowing u have to leave early. If you are one of the people who arrives a little early to make yourself feel better for leaving early, park on the street so you can make a clean break. Don't inconvenience other people. This leads me to...

16. The host is responsible for figuring out the parking. Don't act surprised when people ask you where to park. If you live in an area where only metered parking is available, warn your guests in advance. 

15. Even if the cookout is also a potluck, the host is  responsible for the fundamentals. Hosts should plan to provide all "staples." You should have food and drinks ready just in case people forget something or your aunt brings the  off brand cola. 

14. Be honest about the food. Its ok if your signature dish didn't come out as expected. Its NOT ok for you FAIL to tell folks about your salty rice or that this is the 1st time you made the dish a new way. Don't get creative with your macaroni and cheese. 

13. If you know the festivities are outside, break out the extra strength deodorant. We are family but nobody likes smelly people. Don't torture people with your B.O. 

12. The host is responsible for WHO gets an invite. The focus should be on family members who are recently divorced and people currently involved in drama. Nothing ruins a good vibe like a nasty argument. 

11. Tell someone if they have something in their teeth! If someone has an entire conversation with you and they don' t tell you about that cracked pepper in your teeth, then they are not your friend.  Be a friend. 

10. DON'T be the last person there and the first person to get a plate. If you arrived just in time to hear the announcement for everyone to form a line you have to let EVERYBODY skip you.   

9. Don't be ashamed to be the 1st person in line for your plate.  Unless you came last. People respect you for owning your hunger and not being ashamed to admit it. Me? I'm judging you though. *giggles*

8. WARN EVERYONE if you plan to bring your new boo thang to the cookout. Failing to do so will result in blank stares. Dont be offended if you are the new boo and people compare you to the old boo. If you know your family is critical of new people, warn your new boo-thang and give your family notice that it will be you +1. If you are the new boo, you better come with your A game!! 

7. A host should KNOW the hosting limits of their space. Don't invite 30 people to your home knowing all you have is a 2 love seats and a rocking chair. If you plan to invite black people but you don't have a table suitable for playing spades, tonk and domino, fix that ASAP. If your toilet or AC is broken, relocate or cancel the cookout. 

6. NEVER insist on making a dish. If no one can vouch for your food, you're responsible for cups. NEWSFLASH: If you are known for having a nasty house, no one will eat your food. If you leave with your dish untouched, your sh*t was nasty. After you bring a nasty dish, you have to wait 2 more cookouts before you can volunteer to bring anything edible.   

5. Don't be *that* guy/girl. Cookouts are for the masses. If you want your food made a certain way, make it yourself. I refuse to eat baked beans without bacon in them because you just gave up pork. If you don't eat watermelon, nobody gives a damn. 

4. Don't be a lazy host! Clean your house. Offer to serve people. Put the "big" tv in the main room. If your biggest tv is 23 inches, I don't know what to tell ya. 

3. Don't touch the music. Old people don't wanna hear Gucci Mane or 2Chainz. Don't play "DJ" knowing you don't have cookout music. Also, aspiring musicians MUST get a majority vote before playing their music. Nobody wants to see you "twerk."  

2. Do NOT bring your bad ass kids and leave them in the hands of unsuspecting guests. If you are gone for longer than an hour, you may return to find a Child Protective Services abandonment investigation. 

1. Don't get pissy when its time to start taking pictures. Mattafack, come prepared to take at least one "candid" photo of you eating and one group photo. 

BONUS: If you don't know how to do signature dances (i.e. electric slide, cha cha slide, the wobble, etc) get your ass in the back until you catch on. 

Did I miss any rules? 

Cookout 101: Rules to live by when you decide to cook outside in the summer

Memorial Day has come and gone which means Summer and its unbearable heats waves is upon us. Don't believe me? Step outside. 


Welcome back. 
I knew you wouldn't last long out there. 


Summer means different things for different people. Yada Yada. U knew that right?! Well don't rain on my parade just yet. I have a few things to say so bear with me. For some it may mean you finally get to splurge on that vacay you have been planning all year and for others it means a break from school and the opportunity to gain practical work experience. Still for others, summer represents an opportunity to collect plates of delicious food at a gathering most refer to as a bar-b-que. For those unfamiliar with this practice, a bar-b-que is a familial event during which people who enjoy each other's company gather together and break bread. You are also likely to find self-proclaimed "grill masters" and people who are serious about making great tasting food. At any given time at said event you will hear music, infectious laughter and (if you have friends who feel comfortable around you) discussions of otherwise forbidden topics of religion and politics.


Without further adieu I give you cook out rules for members of the Talented Generation and our friends. Don't look at me crazy because I call it a cookout and not a bar-b-que. I'm a Southern Belle. Its what we do.


20. IF you arrived empty handed & have NOT contributed in any way don't u DARE complain! There is nothing more annoying to someone who has everything to say about everything but hasn't contributed to making the event better. If you are that person, keep your opinions about the shortcomings of the event to yourself. When our cookouts were more like potlucks, my family told everyone "you eat what you bring so if you bring plates, you eat plates (I had an aunt who would ALWAYS volunteer to bring the cheapest thing like cups or eating utensils)"


19. If your cookout is supposed to start at 4pm dont tell your guests at 4:30pm "Thanks for coming but the meat wont be ready until 5:30." If you didn't tell people it would be a vegan bar-b-que, it is best to have the meat ready when the carnivores arrive. This is especially true if you are the one grilling and I see you eating. 


18. If you plan on matching your boo. Keep the colors simple. We dont need TWO PEOPLE in tangerine orange and seafoam green plaid. If you are 1/2 of the couple that loves to dress alike whenever the 2 of you will be seen in public, understand that some color combos are off limits. It hurts my eyes to see too many neon bright colors and we don't need to see two of you. 


17. Don't arrive 1st & park in the driveway 1st knowing u have to leave early. NOW everybody who arrived after you and parked behind you has to rush to "let you out." Its not our fault you have to leave early. If you are one of the people who arrives a little early to make yourself feel better for leaving early, park on the street so you can make a clean break. Don't inconvenience other people. This leads me to...


16. Make sure you have adequate parking space! Don't invite 50 ppl knowing u have parking for 5 cars & anyone else will be outta luck. Also, don't tell people to park on your neighbors driveway without ur neighbors permission! AND if you live in an area where all you have available is metered parking, please tell your guests so they can plan accordingly. 


15. If ur cookout is also a potluck, please understand YOU are responsible for the fundamentals. If Uncle Luke forgets the meat what are your guests going to eat? At least plan to make one "staple" food. If aunt Lisa doesn't bring any drinks what are your guests going to drink? At the very least you should have water one type of soft drink. 


14. Be honest about the food. If you know you made your signature dish & the taste is a LITTLE off, let us know! Its ok if your signature dish didn't come out as expected. Its NOT ok for you not to tell folks about ur salty rice or that this is the 1st time you made the dish a new way. Anecdote: I made a homemade banana pudding once and I put it in the oven because we ran out of aluminum foil. I didn't realize the oven was on and the pudding was heated. Since I know most people like their pudding COLD, I told everyone before I handed over the serving spoon. Everyone was understanding and it was a success.


13. If you know the festivities are outside, please use your extra strength deodorant. We are family but nobody likes smelly people. If you start to smell less than fresh and feel less than clean excuse yourself and freshen up. Don't torture people with your B.O. 


12. If you are the host of the cookout, be mindful of who you invite! You know aunt Angie and Uncle Eddie got divorced last year and you need to know if either of them plan on bringing their new boo-thang. You should also find out who is having drama with who so you can do your best to keep them away from each other. Nothing ruins a good vibe like a nasty argument. 


11. DON'T be afraid to tell someone if they have something in their teeth! Don't act like u dont see that cracked pepper! Few things are more embarrassing than having a 1/2 hour long conversation with a group of people and then discovering that no one had the gonads to stop and tell you to remove the cracked pepper nudged between your two front teeth. It takes a split second to correct the issue. 


10. DON'T be the last person there and the first person to get a second plate. Have some dignity! *giggles* I understand most people go to cookouts with the intent to eat and for some of you that means you will save your stomach space by skipping meals. It is ok to get second helpings, but if you arrived just in time to hear the announcement for everyone to form a line take a breather.  


9. Don't be ashamed to be the 1st person in line for your plate. People will respect you for that. No one wants to seem like they are too greedy so there is a race to be SECOND in line. People respect you for owning your hunger and not being ashamed to admit it. Me? I'm judging you though. *giggles*


8. INFORM your family if you plan to bring your new boo thang to the cookout. Failing to do so will result in blank stares. Dont be offended if you are the new boo & people compare you to the old boo. If you know your family is critical of new people, warn your new boo-thang and give your family notice that it will be you +1. If you are the new boo, you better come with your A game!! Don't wear all white and shy away from the food. We are not impressed by Miss "I'm not that hungry" and we also don't believe your shy act. You need more people. 


7. KNOW the hosting limits of your living space. If your AC is broken or if your toilet runs, please tell ppl BEFORE they get there. Make sure you have adequate seating too. It is rude to invite 30 people to your home knowing all you have is a 2 love seats & a rocking chair. It is also rude to invite people to your home in 96 degree heat and humidity when your AC is broken. 


6. NEVER insist on making a dish. If people wanted it they would ask you to make it. Your Ramen Noodles & boiled eggs dish is NASTY. That special way you make macaroni salad? Its nasty but since you seem to enjoy making it people continue to allow you to make it. NEWSFLASH you are forcing your specialty dish on people and it has to stop. *giggles* 


5. Don't be an annoying picky eater. Nobody likes Mr. "I only eat minced onions on my burgers" or Miss "I dont like it when my food touches." If you are an insanely picky eater, bring your own food! If you want your food made a certain way, make it yourself. Cookouts are for the masses. If you gave up the swine to wage a one man war against all things piggy related, dont ask swine lovers to compromise how they prepare their food. 


4. Don't make everyone sit in the main room to watch your 23 inch tv. Dont be lazy! Put the "big" tv in the main room. Although most cookouts start outside, studies have shown people feel better about their actions when they feel they had a real choice. There are always guests who prefer to have a choice between sitting outside and sitting inside. For those in the latter group, put your biggest tv in the main room. If your biggest tv is 23 inches, I don't know what to tell ya. 


3. If u are an aspiring "musician" u must get a majority vote before putting your demo in the cd player. All I wanna say is you can bring your CD or demo tape, but without a majority vote don't turn off my playlist in favor of your "different" music.


2. If you are a grown man who cant open a beer bottle u need to drink your beer from a can. No one wants to watch you struggle just to have a cold one.  


1. We're family here right? Good! If your family arrives to the cookout starving & NOBODY touches the dish you made, dont make it again.


Bonus:  Do NOT bring your unruly kids and leave them in the hands of unsuspecting guests. No one likes to babysit disrespectful children and their terrible behavior has never been cute or funny. If they break a vase, you are responsible for replacing it. If you are gone for longer than an hour, you may return to find a Child Protective Services abandonment investigation. 


Did I miss any rules?