Why Going From Ex-lover to BFF is Impossible

Let me start off by saying it's not always easy to detect tone in a blog post. I want y'all to read this with the best impression of a blunt bitch you can muster up. K? 

Moving on. . .

Can you be friends with your ex? Some of y'all say yes. I say HELL NAW. Why would you want to be friends with your ex? I'm ACTUALLY friends with ZERO of my exes. We don't hate each other, we're just not friends. It will stay that way.

Pause. This is a perfect time to address the loose application of the friend label. Everyone is NOT your friend. Some people are merely associates who don't even wanna BE your friend. I suggest all of you take some time and figure out who your friends are. If you think you have more than 5-6 TRUE friends, you're wrong.

Back to my point.

I learned about this "Ex-lover to BFF" pipeline while having one of those "pretend you care about their business outside of work" convos with a co-worker. My co-worker made the  convo awkward after she said "Oh my BF and me broke up. We're still friends, tho." I had been practicing my "that's the craziest shit I've ever heard" face and I got to use it on her. I had to hide my excitement. I like when I get to use my new faces. She explained how he wanted to move on, but she didn't. She put in her friend request & he accepted. 

I interrupted her with a stern "I.am.judging.you." 

I hear you screaming asking how did that happen? Well duh! He says, "I don't want to be with you anymore" and she responds "Ok. Let's be BFFs then!" and he agrees. That doesn't even make sense. Of course, in most breakups there is one person who wants to breakup more than the other. Staying "friends" is a pitiful effort to stay connected. Grow some balls and make a clean cutaway. Dragging on a friendship can make a breakup worse. The person who didn't wanna break-up is forced to pretend he/she isn't bitter and the person who did finds it awkward to move on. 

Here's one thing: I don't trust a man over 25 who is still stockpiling friends with coochies. I don't have time to make new male friends. I don't want new male friends. I have enough dick in my circle. I don't trust newly formed platonic friendships between people who have made each other climax.

Riddle me this: What kinda friends are y'all gonna be? The kinda friends where you get invited to each other's weddings? The kinda friends that get invited to intimate birthday dinners? The kind that spend Thanksgiving together? Phuck that!

The only kinda friend you can be with your ex is the kind you end up drunk texting for ex-sex on a Saturday night. Youz a simple bitch if you believe anything else. 

Here's another thing: Women tend to suggest that the two of you remain friends after a breakup. Men do it too, tho. Unless he/she tried to kill you, being friends after a breakup doesn't sound like a horrible idea. Until it is. Until you find yourself acting on the simmering passion and having sweaty "for old time's sake" sex. No bueno. 

Give me ONE good reason why the guy you have known for less than a year deserves to be your bff? 
Why are y'all keeping in touch?

What was so GREAT about your relationship that you two don't work as a couple, but you work as friends?

What will they add to your life that you cannot get from someone else?

Can you trust his/her relationship advice? Naw.

Can you tell 'em about your relationship problems? Naw.

Here's one last thing: Staying close friends with your ex encourages co-dependency. It hinders your healing. You can't really move on when the person who reminds you of your pain is always around. Maybe it's the jealous scorpio in me, but I wanna wish you the best bro...from AFAR. We don't need to be friends. Besides, I know the most I'll get from being your friend is one night of "one last time" sex and I don't want that. I'll be ok if I never connect with you again. Am I wrong for that? I'll be that. 

Remember you teach people how to treat you. Staying emotionally connected to someone who has broken your heart shows them hurting you didn't have any consequences.  That's my time. 

So whadya think? Is it impossible for exes to be friends? Remember you can be honest cuz Raine don't judge. 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Get Yo LIFE! 16 Celebs Who Have Gotten BETTER With Time

After I got a lil ratchet with Tuesday's post, it's only right that I flip the coin and praise some of our favorite celebs who HAVE aged gracefully. In an industry where "looking" young is something people pay thousands to achieve, these people have managed to look better with age. Pay homage.

The people who made the list have aged beautifully and embraced everything that comes along with it. I'm warning you now...some of these people WILL put your semi-young ass to shame! (Please note this list is in no particular order until you get to number 1. That one is on purpose LOL!)

16. Brandy-33

She emerged on the scene a small teen with a huge voice. She's carried a sitcom, reality shows and withstood storms of tabloid stories. Thru the years, she's had her ups & downs, but she's aging beautifully and is gearing up to release a new album. 

15. Melanie Brown (Scary Spice)-37

This chick has managed to look better now than she did when she was hoppin all around the stage as Scary Spice. She's survived having a kid with Eddie Murphy and she looks amazing. Still, I hate her face. I hate her abs. 

14. Dame Helen Mirren-67

I couldn't do this list and NOT mention her. She's honest about her flaws and is a very classy lady.

13. Idris Elba-40

Do you really need a reason why he's here? He captured my heart as Stringer Bell and he's been my fahn ass pretend hubby ever-since! Not to mention he looks better now than he did back then. *Prays away impure thoughts*

12. Garcelle Beauvais-45

She's survived playing Jamie Foxx's love interest, a messy divorce and has given birth to twins. You ready to get that ass in the gym yet?

11. Raven Symone-26

She captured our hearts and the witty & cute Olivia on The Cosby Show. She's held her own with several successful projects & managed to float under the radar. She may have struggled with her weight before, but she's looking fabulous these days.

10. Angela Bassett-54

She's played Stella and gotten her groove back, but in real life Angela Bassett is one bad woman. She's given birth to two beautiful children and bounced back better than younger women with fewer children. I think everybody's mama has one of those afro pics lol!

9. Morgan Freeman-age unknown 

Morgan Freeman was young once and he still looked old LOL! He has had that old man swag for so long I don't ever remember a time he looked young. He's played God & got his break driving around an old white woman. You're stoopid if you don't think he's awesome. 

8. Naomi Campbell-42

She might snap and slap a bitch with a cell phone every now & again, but Naomi is STILL one of the baddest chicks in the game. She's still landing covers & even though she is edge deficient, Naomi still puts ppl half her age to shame.

7. Sade-53

She's given us classic albums with tracks you can listen to from beginning to end. She's still selling out concerts and puttin girls to shame who are half her age.

6. Stacy Dash-46

She might SUCK at acting, but she's still a bad mama jamma. I hate that her body is so phuckin perfect!

5. Nia Long-41

Nobody rocks a short cut like Nia Long. She's been every ghetto dude's imaginary girlfriend for almost 20 years and she's hotter than ever. She's still getting the attention of rappers like Juicy J who gave her a shout out on Bandz a make her dance. She's given birth to two children and she doesn't look a day over 25.

4. Tina Turner-72

Tina and her envy-worthy gams have been snatchin wigs since Santa Claus was a lil boy. Every once in a while I like to watch the scene in What's Love Got to Do with It featuring  her whipping Ike's ass in that limo. At 72 Tina looks amazing! Oh yea, RIP Ike.

3. Iman-57

Iman says her secret to aging gracefully is her skin care regimen. I have a skincare regimen and I still don't look like her so it's gotta be her great genes. Her transformation is obvious and is the stuff some of you can only dream about.

2. Halle Berry-46

If she didn't make the list, y'all would hang me. That's not to say she doesn't BELONG on this list. I love Halle! She's like a "given" for lists of good looking people tho & what fun are they?

1. Denzel-57

If Denzel wasn't married...lawd I'd tell y'all what I would let him do to me. But he is, so I won't. 

Bonus!!! Betty White-90

Betty was a flawless beauty in her younger days & she's an awesome woman today. Plain & simple she's the shit. Phuck you if you don't agree. 

*Wipes Sweat off forehead* Whew! Keeping the list short was SUCH a challenge. Whadya think? Did I miss any celebs who have aged gracefully? Did you struggle to believe I didn't list these people in a particular order? Tell me somethin good.

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

WTF Happened to You?!! 7 Celebs Who Have Not Aged Well

Our favorite stars from the 80s & 90s are old. Follow me. Yesterday while I was getting my daily dose of mindless tv, an Old Navy commercial featuring the Backstreet Boys came onto my tee vee screen. What were they pushing? Skinny jeans. They shoulda been pushin the performance fleece. At least the fleece is classic and age appropriate. Click here if you haven't seen the ad. Lawd I almost fell out! What happened to them? They got old & they LOOK it. Seeing that commercial helped me realize how some of our favorite stars from the 80s & 90s are in their late thirties and forties. Whoa!

I have to admit I was more of an N'Sync fan, but dang it if those Backstreet Boys didn't look like they've been doing some shady things on a back street. They did NOT age well. Father time was NOT kind to them. I mean on a scale of Mickey Rourke to Morgan Freeman, they aged a solid Pam Anderson. How tragic! Anyway, seeing BSB got me to thinkin about other popular celebs from the 80s & 90s that have not aged well. Hence, today's post. I'm about to shatter your dreams and I'm gonna do it guilt free with a straight face. 

7. Lisa Bonet (Denise Kendall)

Lisa went from playing the cute Hillman student to lookin like a student of life who got stuck repeating the same grade.

6. Lil Kim

It's no secret Kimmie went too far with her plastic surgery. Kim went from looking like a bangin chick from the hood to looking like she banged her head on a hood.

5. Lark Voorhies (Lisa Turtle)

She's no longer saved by the bell. My goodness life has not been kind to her. 

4. Maia Campbell

Maia used to be bad during her In the House days! Unfortunately, her mental illness and battle with drugs landed her a spot in the house of infamy. Her downfall was hard to watch & I'm happy she's back on the up & up.

3. D'Angelo

While he emerged on the scene with a near perfect physique asking "how does it feel" D'Angelo got arrested in 2010 looking like he filled an emotional void with Twinkies. 

2. Jason David Frank (the green Ranger)

He was cute as Tommy, the bad boy green ranger. As Jason, he looks like the kind of guy who makes you watch highlight reels of his high school "glory" days. No bueno.  

1. Jasmine Guy (Whitley Gilbert)

No shocker she's #1. Jasmine is probably best known as the actress who played Whitley Gilbert, the young woman who lived a privileged life afforded to her courtesy of her daddy. These days Jasmine Guy looks like she pissed off Father Time. 

Regardless of their apparent decision to say "fck aging gracefully," their shows are still classic & they've lived a life many of us can only dream about. Some of these folks have had run-ins with drugs, alcohol, bankruptcy, failed marriages and whatever else makes your face wrinkle beyond recognition. That means you shouldn't hold your breath waiting to see these folks land roles as high school snobs. At least, not believable ones. 

Whatcha think? Did I miss any stars who fell off? I'm listening.

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Look at all the F*cks I Give...

I'm not chillin today. I woke up and said to myself "Today is not the day to chill." There are some topics that have been on my mind and instead of trying to space them out into separate posts, I decided to get right to the point. If you can't handle loose profanity, you might wanna stop reading now. Here we go:

About Sending Nudes: A nude a day keeps your spouse from going astray. Follow the Rules: 1) Take pics from the neck down without any distinctive markings. 2) Check the recipient thrice. 3) Only send them to people you trust. 4) Never leak them (or you fuck up the game for the rest of us). Now go on and send one. 

About Penis Size: If you are past the voting age & you're still walkin around bragging about the measurements of your penis you aint getting regular servings of coochie. 

About the 90 day rule: Only hoes follow it. 

About $200 dates: If he paid for a $200 date and you didn't put out, you won. If he paid for a $200 date and you DID put out, you're a whore who acts like you never had nice things. 

About Facebook: I only liked FB when it was only for college students. The hoodboogers and bootleg sneaker shops got their hands on it and RUINT it for everyone else. Use it for dating purposes cuz that's where the lonely chicks are.

About Homophones: Learn them shits. Use 'em right.

About Money: Stay outta my pockets. Don't worry about how I pay for stuff. Worry about whether yo mama was a hoe back in the day. 

About Condoms: Use them even though not using them feels like one of the greatest things in the world. 

About Codeswitching: Make some diverse friends and learn how to speak standard English. You can still be ratchet, but learn how to switch it up. Don't be a dumbass.

About Work: We don't give a damn if you don't like your job. Stop complaining if you're not gonna quit. 

About Drugs: Drugs are bad, mmkay? 

About Voting: People say it doesn't matter who you vote for, just vote. Fuck that. It matters. One of the candidates doesn't give a shit about people with bank accounts like mine. I'm going with the black guy. If you don't vote, don't talk to me.

If you have anything you need to get off your chest, now is the time. Raine is listening. 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

10 Reasons Why Black Women Are Mean (Part 2)

As soon as I posted this on Tuesday I remembered another story I've been meaning to share. A few weeks ago I went out with a friend of mine. I'm always going out with a friend ain't I? Don't judge me. People like me. For the sake of preserving his identity, we're gonna call this friend Joey. Joey and I decided to spend a night out on the town in honor of his two female friends who were in town. I had never met them and I had no expectations of them. My goal was to have a good time. 

Fast Forward 1/2 way thru the night and one of Joey's friends, Tony, is wasted. The kind of wasted where all you can do is close your eyes and rest your head on the table. He was so far gone he didn't even bother to lift his head when his food arrived. Don't act like you've never been there. I was just there a few weeks ago. It happens. I let Joey entertain his little friends and, since none of the other boys seemed to care, I took it upon myself to tend to Tony. I tapped him every few minutes and told him to drink water and eat some of his food. Nothing spectacular. Joey's friends ate most of Tony's food and told him to get up and walk around so many times that I finally said, "NO. Tony is fine where he is" and prompted him to drink more water. 

A few moments later, as if on queue, girl #1 walked to the bathroom and Joey went to check on another drunk friend. Girl #2 jumped at the opportunity to ask me a question I could tell was burning through her spotted throat. She asked me whether I had a problem with either of them. I knew it was on me to lead the tone of the discussion. I looked at her with the "WTF face" and asked her what she meant by "problem." Aside from the aforementioned statement, I had not interacted with them beyond the introduction. There were 4 other people at our table and although they were new to me, we pre-gamed together so compared to the new chicks we were old friends.  As Joey returned to our table, I made it clear I did not have a problem with them and that I was there as Joey's guest NOT Tony's. I smiled a wry smile as Joey grabbed my hand & asked me whether everything was ok. I told him yes and smiled the kind of smile women smile at men they can't wait to straddle. I gave that answer to fuck with her head. It worked. I knew what was going on as soon as we made eye contact. She thought she was gonna set me straight because they thought I was "picking" on them. Silly girl. For those who don't know, "picking" is a practice of petty females that involves using sneaky tactics to make fun of another woman. In this situation, I would have been "picking" when I stepped in and told them to leave Tony alone. I know it doesn't make much sense. It never will. 

The girls left our company and they made it clear they were not happy. As we walked to our next bar (yes, we were still in the mood to party) I told Joey what happened and he was shocked. "Are you serious? I didn't know those girls were like that."  He struggled to understand. Guys always do. He didn't think his female friends were catty or petty. He didn't think they would complain about his new friend (me) not putting forth a strong enough effort to get to know them. That is, until they were. Why were they that way? There are 10 reasons black women are mean for reasons that appear unknown.

10. She's Insecure. It takes a real woman to compliment another woman. Insecure woman struggle with this. 

9. Her Hidden Desires. She she secretly wants to be LIKE you. She wants your wardrobe, your friends, your relationship, your car, your man and your bank account. Stay woke. 

8. She's pre-empting. She wants to be mean to you before you have the chance to be mean to her. 

7. She's Having a Bad Day. Sometimes people just don't want to be bothered. If you ignore the signs, you deserve what you get. 

6. She's tired. A tired black woman ain't nothin to fuck with. 

5. She Doesn't Like You. Some black women aren't good at frontin. Ain't no future in it anyway. If she doesn't like you, everything about you annoys her. Stay outta her face. 

4. She's a Bitch. I don't like calling women bitches, but let's face it some women are bitches on purpose. No sense in trying to justify their actions. Call a spade a spade. 

3. She's in Pain. Remember, Hurt people HURT people. Don't punch her in the throat...hug her. 

2. She's Jealous. You have awesome tits and irrisistible wits who wouldn't be jealous of you? 

1. It's a Self-fulfilling Prophecy: If you treat her like she's an angry black woman, she just might become one. 

Before you get your thongs in a tizzy, I wrote this because I think it needed to be said. Angry black women need love too. They also need a therapist and friends willing to tell them the naked truth. Sometimes it's ok to be mean because some people can't handle nice. Don't go out of your way to be mean or rude tho. I want little more than to see black women building it each other up. We're quick to tear down and slow to encourage. We're quick to hurt and slow to heal. We're quick to break and slow to fix. It's almost like some of us take some pleasure in seeing another being kicked while she's down. Am I not my sister's keeper? 

So whadya think? Am I being too hard on my sistas? Did I miss any reasons black women, or women in general, are mean? Raine is listening. 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com

Kids These Days: 7 Reasons 90s Babies Get Treated Like Red-Headed StepChildren

Kids born in 1994 turn 18 this year. Kids born in 1991 turn 21 this year. Does that make you feel old yet? I'll wait. 

Lately, I've noticed a little tension between folks born in the 80s and kids born in the 90s. Yes, kids. 90s babies don't get NO respect. It's not quite hostility or jealousy, but it's more like an older brother teasing his younger sister. I've also noticed the bewilderment of 90s babies who can't seem to understand where it comes from. They look around like, "Well what did I do to y'all?" Simmer simmer pots & pans. I'm here for y'all. Since no one else is gonna tell you, I will. 

We treat you the way we do because we know what you missed. There. I said it. Don't shoot the messenger. Just like generations before us would talk about "kids these days," now it's our turn. Difference is we don't know how to act. We have Twitter and Facebook now so it magnifies the message. "Kids these days" is a demeaning phrase, of course, but it's said in reminiscence of our days growing up so it's not that bad. My great-grandfather used to say my generation is spoiled with school buses because his generation had to walk 8 miles to school in the snow. LOL! We may not have come up walking 8 miles to school in the snow, but 80s babies think we struggled in our own right. 90s babies are the generation that came about when technology was on the brink of breakthrus. 80s babies and older generations feel like you missed out on some thangs. What thangs? I'm glad you asked. 

7. Technology. When it comes to technology, 90s babies are spoiled. They didn't have to struggle like we did. Their first cell phone was prolly an iPhone. My first cell phone was a Nokia. 90s babies probably don't even recognize that picture to the right. I struggled with T9 texts for years. They don't know nothin about playin snake. They don't know about that dial-up 1000 hours free from AOL and getting disconnected every time you got a phone-call. They don't know about that "A/S/L" in AOL chat rooms. 90s babies get to college and have a flat screen tv. They don't know about our big-backed tv and Encyclopedia struggles. 

6. TV Shows. The 90s gave us the best tv shows. You might have glanced at 'em, but you were just a young tadpole so you weren't enjoying them like we were. While kids born in the 90s were hooked on Barney, we were watching In Living Color, Martin, Hey Arnold, All That!, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, The Magic School Bus, Clarissa Explains it all, Boy Meets World and the list goes on. You didn't get to experience ABC's "1 Saturday Mornings" lineup of the best cartoons and tv shows. All these kids have to watch today is reality shows and scripted shows with terrible writers. We feel sorry for you. 

5. How You "Play." 80s babies are the last generation to play outside. Don't debate me on that. I couldn't wait to come home from school, change my clothes and play outside with my friends. I rarely see that now. 90s babies don't know what it's like to play outside and ride bicycles for fun because they're inside playing videogames and texting while sitting right next to each other. They don't nothin about Hop Scotch, Red light, green light, Double Dutch, hide and seek or a Gameboy. They didn't have a Tamagotchi or beanie babies. That's just tough. 

4. Fashion. 90s babies don't know nothin about LA Gears, Keds, clear jelly sandals and Bill Cosby sweaters. You don't know nothin about rockin FUBU, throwback jerzees, Gumby haircuts and Tommy Hilfiger overalls. I lived for Lisa Frank! They're all too busy rockin colored skinny jeans and denim jackets. 

3. Sports. They missed watching Michael Jordan play with the Chicago Bulls. That right there is a travesty in an of itself. Mattafack, after you finish reading this just go watch Youtube videos of his championship games. 

2. Movies. 80s babies got to enjoy Forrest Gump. The Lion King. Toy Story. Jurassic Park. Home Alone. White Men Can't Jump. Candyman. Say what you want about Candyman, but it had me spooked and til this day I won't look in a mirror and say his name. Have you seen any of those movies? Go to your nearest Redbox and rent 'em. Why do you think a lot of the movies released today are remakes? Hollywood still wants to cater to us.

1. Taste in Music. 90s babies don't appreciate music the way other generations do. 80s babies are old enough to appreciate the sounds of Frankie Beverly and Maze while 90s babies think Candy Rain is an old school song. They missed out on the N'Sync & Backstreet Boys era, The Spice Girls, MC Hammer, Will Smith (yes, we let him be great) and The Fugees. 90s babies got Chief Keef and Lil Mouse as the voices of their generation. Yesterday was the 16th anniversary of Tupac's murder. Some of 'em weren't even born when he was killed! Yea, go ahead and feel old. 

This is by no means bashing 90s babies. I have siblings born in the 90s and they're alright with me. I love y'all. Doesn't mean 80s babies don't look at you and feel sorry for you. It's not that we don't think you had a great up-bringing it's that we can tell you missed out on a few things. Just like we had to endure, so shall you. We just want you to pay homage to your elders. 80s babies are your elders. Fret not as 2000s babies get older, your time for saying "kids these days" is coming. Just be patient grasshoppers. 

So now it's your turn. What do you think 90s babies missed out on? What do you think they have that older generation were lacking?

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

Facebook: Talented Generation

Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com