Danger Zones: How to KEEP IT REAL With a Crazy Motherf*cker

This one is for the fellas who are honest about what they want, but still have issues with women getting dickmatized and forgetting their place. Although he thinks he's being straightforward and communicating clearly, he still found himself in a "situation" with a crazy motherf*cker. I'm here for y'all. 

Let's focus on the women for one second. Let the men tell it, we're ALL crazy motherf*ckers. Let's go with that. Some of us have dealt with so many "aint shit" men that we believe we have to decipher words. Us crazy motherf*ckers believe you're speaking in code. We've tried it before and ended up being manipulated on a technicality. We don't care because you told us you're honest. Our behavior is the fault of your brethren. We have been lied to so much that we don't think we can take your words at face value.  Forget tryna process what you're saying we're busy trying to decipher what you MIGHT mean. I'm serious. For example, even when she says she can handle your honesty what she really means is she's gonna listen and try to find hidden messages. Read that again. 

Sham fucking wow! 

First off, you gotta know who you're dealing with. Women are complex creatures. Crazy motherf*ckers, if you will. I can say that cuz I'm a woman. Don't call her a crazy motherf*cker to her face. You gotta remember you're dealing with a type of human who twerks to Bitches aint shit because she likes the beat. We stuff our feet into uncomfortable shoes and do stuff tryna get CHOSE. We spend thousands getting dangerous surgeries to "enhance" our bodies. We fight over men. We take relationship advice from bitter single women and unfunny comedians. We sew Indian and Brazilian hair to our African scalp and wear colored contacts. Got it? 

Allow me to translate a few of the most popular phrases. Call the State Department. 

1. He says: I’m not ready for a commitment. I just wanna have a  good time. 

He means: You tryna fuck?

She hears: I’m not ready for a commitment RIGHT NOW. I made this decision before I met you. When I see the best of you I will recognize your worth, change my mind & even reject BJs from random women. You can change me if you try.

What he SHOULD Say: I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to be your boyfriend. I just wanna smash. I only want to be around you if we're gonna smash. 

2. He says: I’m too busy for a relationship right now.

He means: I don't WANT to make time for a relationship. I just want some ass. 

She hears: I'm a really important guy so when I make time for you it means you're special. 

What he SHOULD say: My mind is focused on gettin money and gettin ass. I already have a job, so you tryna give me some ass?   

3. He says: I have a girlfriend but I’m not happy. I haven’t left her yet because I don’t know how.

He means: I have a girlfriend but she's holding her vagina for ransom. I’m not going to leave her, but I'm hawny. Now lets go get some bbq and get busy.

She hears: I’m not happy but I’m an honest man because I’m telling you about my girlfriend. Maybe you can help me figure out how to leave my girl and be with you.

What he SHOULD say: I have a girlfriend. I love her. I just wanna slide thru and smash<---you would be surprised at how many women will go for that! 

4. He Says: I Love Spending Time With You

He Means: I enjoy the time we spend together. 

She hears: I love you. 

What he SHOULD say: Thank you for giving me regular sex. (Refrain from using the L word at all costs!)

5. He says: I'm married, but we're separated.

He means: My wife is trippin. U tryna fuck?

She hears: Don't worry about that other woman cuz she doesn't matter to me right now. I'm single in my mind. 

What he SHOULD say: Yea I got a wife. You can be my mistress or my girlfriend. You tryna smash or nah? 

This is usually the point where I offer some advice about communicating effectively to women or how you can guarantee that your point is not lost in translation. Unfortunately, I dont have any fool proof way to escape it. Namely because I dare not underestimate the selective hearing of a crazy motherf*cker. It doesn't take much to set 'em off. Ya never know what it's gonna take. A missed phone-call or an ignored e-mail could be disastrous. I could tell the fellas to be more blunt with their feelings so women don't feel like we have to decipher your words. I could tell the ladies to stop being punks and ask follow up questions to get clarity instead of tryna translate on your own. I just did both of those things. Swag me out. 

Fellas, what are some things you have told a woman and you wondered how she got it wrong? Ladies, what are some things a man has told you and you took it the wrong way? Don't be shy. I don't judge out loud. 

Talk to me. . .

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

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Email: TalentedGeneration@gmail.com