5 Rules For Being A Scorned EX on the Internet

Before we get started, it is very (and I do mean VERY) important for you to understand that no matter how you try to sugarcoat it, ex-girlfriends who bash their ex-boyfriends will always come off like a bitter bitch who is angry because she couldn't keep her man. Use smileys. 

Everyone deals with heartbreak differently. Some of us consume a tub of Blue Bell butter pecan ice cream and a pack of waffle bowls while others are into sharing their problems with people on social networks. To-may-toe. To-mah-to. Its an interesting day on the innanets when a newly scorned woman logs on to share her feelings. By interesting I mean entertaining. By entertaining I mean we all laugh while feeling pity for her #atthesamedamntime. 

Women are infamous for dealing with an unexpected breakup like a psycho. There are some chicks out there who are bout that "Its gonna make me feel better to retaliate" life. Thats fine for a moment. That moment is called the "Crazy ex-girlfriend moment." Its the moment where you allow yourself to think of something crazy because your emotions are all over the place. Ex-boo isn't responding to the breakup the way you expected him to and its frustrating. He's not showing any signs of hurt or disturbia. He stopped responding to her. The ninja is in a state of equilibrium and the crazy ex-girlfriend moment makes you feel like you have to change that. 

Results of a Scorned Heauxx Moment

The crazy ex-girlfriend moment does not have to materialize into traceable actions but when it does, it morphs you into a scorned chick. The crazy ex-girlfriend moment ends with the idea. The scorned chick does shit that could get her some jail time and a record. Crazy ex-girlfriend moment: When you THINK, "He loves his clothes more than he loves me. I bet he would react if I set them MFers on fahr!"  Scorned Chick Moment: *Sets his clothes on fire and posts the evidence on the innanet streets.* 

::sigh:: I've had my fair share of crazy ex-girlfriend moments. I broke up with a guy the same week "#whywebrokeup" was trending on the twitta. I went IN. *hangs head in shame* I used his whole name too. Cuz real women don't subtweet. 
For those who decide to go from having a Crazy EX-Girlfriend moment to Scorned Chick Moment and get revenge by putting HIS business out, there are just a few things for you to consider. K?

1. You're ALSO Putting Yourself Out. You can say whatever you want to say about the kind of boyfriend, hubby, FWB or whatever he was but you HAVE to know those things are also a reflection of you. By coming for his neck with insults, you're also telling the world what you're willing to put up with. Oh, he had a small dick? You didn't complain when you were having regular sex with him for 2 years. Oh, he's a broke bum who sleeps on mattresses without sheets? You moved in with him and bragged about it doe. See how that works? 

2. Get to the Point. Keep the bashing to no more than 2 updates. Use his name, upload a pic of when y'all were happy, tell us how you really feel and let it go. Avoid Going Back Back Forth & Forth. If you start a back and forth no matter what you say to come back you will lose. Why? Because "But I smashed doe" is always a flawless victory. Don't waste your time apologizing because we have already judged you.  

3. Be Prepared to Look Pitiful. Some people will egg you on with a "like" or a comment or a retweet. MOST people will look at the post and feel nothing but pure pity for you. They want no parts of your drama. You will wear the "pitiful" cap until such time as another scorned woman logs on. 

4. Don't Compare Yourself to His New Girlfriend. No one cares if she "took" him from you. YOU may not think she's much to look at, but we have already established you're not thinking straight so phuck what you're thinking. If you wanna go Maury and compare your eyes, hair and skin color you will do nothing more than show us all your low ass self-esteem. He should look past your loose cooch because of your hazel eyes? FOH! Chances are he saw beyond what you see and chose to move on from you with her. Fall back. 

5. Leave the Kids out of it. Don't bring the kids into your stupid hoe moment. Don't keep him from seeing his children. Don't go put him on child support just because you're upset he won't skeet his peen juice in ya no more. Your children deserve a father. Robbing them of that makes you an awful person. 

6. You Might Get Played. Make sure you have your sh*t together before you start bashing him. He could list the ways you were a paymaster (buying him things and giving him money to keep him around) or he could tell the world how he convinced you to let his whole crew penetrate your cooch. Do you really want him to email your parents that sex video y'all made? Think about all of that before you post that screen shot. Be original too. 

7. You Could Be Helping Him Get Chicks. Your scorned woman moment gives your profile high exposure. Everyone is paying attention. Girls will reach out to him consoling him with offers to be his rebound chick. They don't care about your scorned ass. Now your bashing session just got him an unlimited supply of snatch for the next year. You're just the ex-girlfriend, why should you care? 

If you decide to use social networks and other electronic means to bring third parties into your broken relationship do it on your own terms. Don't let people egg you on for details beyond what you should be sharing. There are men watching who once considered dating you. Maintain a level of dignity about yourself and remember you will have to face some of those people in real life one day. Don't go from "ha ha you're crazy" to "Wow! Something is really wrong with you." I'm not saying you won't feel better, I'm saying that feeling like you will feel better is not the feeling to go with. If your breakup didn't go as planned remember bashing him won't make it any better. His family and friends are off limits no matter how they react. Your problem is with your ex, not with the rest of the world. If you can't address your problem with him, by all means make my day interesting.