Black Pain: Starting the conversation

Stress.
Depression.
Suicide.
Rape.
Therapy.
Pain.

Are you afraid of these words? Be honest. If someone invited you to a program about stress would you hesitate to attend? Why or why not? If you were handed a book about depression would you accept it or would you take offense? Why or why not?

Some people are so afraid of these words, they will not buy a book with these words in the title for fear that people will think something is wrong with them. I experienced this first hand when I purchased my copy of Black Pain by Terrie M. Williams. When I reached for it on the stands, I was surrounded by at least 5 black women who whispered (not so softly) about why I needed such a book.  The clerk, also a black woman, gave me a suspicious look as did the patrons around me. Neither woman spoke directly to me. Had they asked, they would know that I purchased the book because I wanted to learn more about Black Pain and I hoped my understanding of Black Pain (including my own) would help me understand how to build healthier relationships.

Its time to start the conversation.

Before I begin this discussion, I must confess that I am in no way a psychologist, psychiatrist or any form of doctor that can help you sort through issues of pain and depression. What follows is my opinion based on personal experiences and a few books. If you believe you may be depressed or if you need help learning about how to handle stress, PLEASE contact a local counseling center. Consider yourself warned. 

There is a terrible and long standing stigma attached to depression and admitting painful feelings. These must be dissolved if we are to begin taking strides towards treatment. Do you need help? Fine I'll say it: BLACK PEOPLE ARE DEPRESSED TOO! We just have more of a tendency to hide it in shame. African Americans suffer just as much, if not more, from depression as white people, but we  are less likely to admit it or seek treatment. Don't believe me? Read what these people had to say about it:

"The issue of depression is more cirppling than any of us want to admit. many of us suffer from it ourselves, and part of the problem is our denial...you can never heal until you expose what hurts you. A lot of us feel freer to realize that we are not abnormal or suffering alone in our pain and depression." -Rev Al Sharpton

"We as a people have had to deal with so much pain just as a result of racisim and prejudice. Add to that [the] tragedy and the problems we face in everyday life and its no wonder depression affects so many. African Americans haven't ever really been taught how to deal with those emotions. -Patti Labelle, musician and author

" Too many of us are in the dark about what depression is and how big a crisis it is in our community." -Danny Glover, actor and activist

Remember season 8 of Girlfriends where Maya and Darnell had a miscarriage and neither knew how to deal with their grief? Refresh your memory (or watch it for the first time) below:

Maya chose to numb her true feelings by abusing prescription meds. She hid her drug abuse from her closest friends, but her husband knew something was wrong with her. She hid her emotions with jokes and smiles.
What do you see when you see a black woman smile?

In all of God's Creation there is nothing more alluring, more appealing, or attractive; nothing more beautiful, more charismatic, more charming, or captivating; nothing more delightful, more elegant, or exquisite; nothing more fascinating, more gorgeous, more inspiring, or intoxicating; nothing more magnificent or lovely than a Black Woman's Smile."

...from the poem "A Black Woman's Smile" (Ty Gray-El)

Check the entire poem here. The poem asks, "Have you ever thought about how strong you have to be to be just to be a black woman?" Although it is beautiful, a black woman's smile is a tool to hide her emotions. She smiles and keeps her silence. She laughs so she does not cry. She remains silent. We are masters of silence. Whats the problem? Silence does not protect you. By keeping your struggles and your trauma a secret, you are sowing the seeds of depression and preventing yourself from growing emotionally. You are NOT superwoman and you do not have to be. You do NOT have the bear the burden of the world while remaining silent about your struggle. You are human and you have a perspective that deserves to be heard.

When you're cut, you bleed.
When you lose a loved one, you grieve.
When something positive happens, you rejoice.
When you're sad, you cry.
When you're upset, you vent. 
If you don't feel comfortable telling someone yet, create a journal and write it out. Write until you feel like you've gotten all of your emotions out. Start from the beginning. Go back to your childhood if you have to. Reach deep down and give yourself permission to be completely honest with yourself. Dont judge yourself. Dont hold back. Let it all out. Once you have sorted through your feelings in your journal, talk to someone you trust.  If you are crippled by the simple thought of speaking the words, show the person your journal entries. 

My point is there is no reason for you to suffer alone. Give yourself permission to cry when you need to cry. It truly is ok to cry. When you don't let your true emotions come through, they will come out in one way or another. We may eat because we think its a temporary fix to our pain. We may stop eating due to anxiety about our weight, which leads to anorexia and bulimia. Other forms are less apparent like compulsive shopping and repeatedly choosing the same bad relationships in search for love. None of these are healthy ways to deal with your emotions and neither will lead to a true healing. Think of Madea's words in Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Woman, "Love is stronger than any addiction baby; hell it is one."

We cannot find peace by avoiding life. You MUST acknowledge your pain, if only to 1 other person. You always hear that Black people don't go to therapy. We're not crazy blah blah blah. No disrespect to the black church When we do admit our pain, we are told to pray about it. Example:

BW #1: "I dont know what is wrong with me. I've been eating more than normal and I have to fight everyday just to find a reason I should get out of bed. Once I get up I'm constantly on the go. Even though I feel sad all the time, I smile because I dont need nosy people in my business. Do you think I could be depressed?"

BW#2:   "Oh no. I dont think you're depressed you're just going through a lot right now. With all thats happened to you, I would be feeling a little down too. Just pray about it and everything will work out. Call Pastor when you have a chance and let him pray with you. God won't ever put more on you than you can bear. Enough of this sad talk, you're making me sad. Did you see that new Denzel movie?"

We are not encouraged to seek counseling  from trained professionals, we are encouraged to lean on our church. I wonder how effective this is when the stigmas about depression are rampid in all aspects of the black community, especially the black church. While I believe the lord will not put more on you than you can bear, I also believe in the power of releasing your feelings. Consider this:

When you want the best food, you seek the advice of a chef;
When you want the best in car repair, you seek the services of a mechanic;
When you seek the best financial advice, you enlist the services of an accountant;
When you seek solutions for your legal woes, you seek the advice of a lawyer;
When you seek understanding of your emotions, seek the TRAINED ear of a licensed therapist.

Black women are often last on everyone's list including our own. I do not intend to downplay how important it is to dedicate yourself by serving others; it is indeed our responsibility. There is nothing better for the soul. We are taught that a good woman does service to her family, her community and her church. We are pulled in several different directions and forced to find a way to make it all work. The problem comes when we never stop serving others and never start serving ourselves. We tend to focus on making everyone happy but ourselves. We become accustomed to being last. Consider this:

BW #1: Girl I am so tired. I had to plan my husband's next business trip, enroll my children in softball and write my thesis paper for my Ph.D all in the same week and its only Wednesday!

BW#2: Girl that is nothing. I had to write my thesis for my Ph.D, grade papers for my students, submit passport applications for my family, and put my car in the shop for repairs after my accident yesterday & yes all of this before Wednesday!

The problem is that neither woman is focusing on her own needs. Take a moment and ask yourself when was the last time you did something because YOU really wanted to do it?? Did you watch football because your man likes football and you've grown to tolerate it? Did you buy a certain pair of shoes because your mother liked them? Did you volunteer because your friends encouraged you to?  Think about what makes you happy and make time every week to do at least 1 thing you love. Do not become so preoccupied with being the perfect employee, daughter, mother, and wife that you forget who you are. Create a "ME" day-a day where you mostly do things that make you happy and take time to get to know yourself.

Consider this convo I had with *Pam, an older woman at my first job:
Scene: *Kim, a white woman walks in to our department store, she looks like she was thrown in the dirt,  her children are dirty and there are obvious signs that she has been crying. She confessed to me ( a 19 year old) that her husband just left her for his younger (and more blond) secretary. She said she was not sure how she could go on as she was just thrown out of her house with her children. He told her she could keep their car. She wanted me to tell her how she could salvage her life.

I was speechless and frozen, but *Pam readily stepped in with a solution. She handed the woman a wet cloth and told her to clean her face. She went to her purse and gave the two children a lollipop and told them mommy was just having a bad day and she would be ok tomorrow. Pam gave Kim our store manager's info and said she should apply to work there. Pam told Kim to leave through the loading docks so no one else would see her like that as she escorted Kim through the employee exit/loading docks. She thanked us both and exited the store. Once Kim was gone, Pam leaned over and said this:

"I have worked here for 25 years and I have NEVER seen  a black woman in public like that. I have lost count of how many white women I've had to rescue. We know better. Even when we are dead broke and broken in spirit you will never know.We don't like putting people in our business and we put a lot of effort into making sure that doesn't happen. When my mother died, I planned her funeral by myself and I came to work on Monday with a smile and a bangin' skirt suit. I faced people who offered their condolences but I never cried in front of people. What they didn't know was that I cried on my way to work everyday for 5 months. I didn't know it then but I was depressed. I hid it from my close friends and even my husband. Everyone kept saying how strong I was and I knew it was all all a lie. Black women are good at lying.  We will have a fresh manicure, a press and curl and flawless makeup but it hides a lot of pain. You're too young right now, but pretty soon you will understand how important these things are."

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent
Astounded at her words, I simply nodded and took it all in. 5 years later, I realize the profound impact Pam's words had on me. When relationships went sour, I made it a point to still go to work with a smile. After a fight with my siblings, I made it a point to wear my best dress. I hid my struggles. It was not until I began making meaningful connections with various Black women that I understood the different ways to deal with pain and I came to accept my own. I encourage all of my beautiful black sistas to do the same. Black women are masters at hiding our pain. We are masters at disguising what hurts us. We put up walls. We hide behind the stereotype that all black women are angry and mean so we give ourselves permission to be mean to people for no particular reason. We think: "I'm a black woman I'm supposed to be angry right? I mean I have so much to be angry for and so many people to blame!" We want to keep up the notions that black women are strong and can handle anything. Who wants to be the considered the exception? No one wants to be the black sheep.

It just looks like we're not hurting.

I am not saying that every black woman is depressed or that every black person is in denial about his/her insecurities. I am not saying that all black women are incapable of recognizing and treating her painful feelings. What I am saying is that it is time to open the dialogue such that when people do confess their painful emotions we do not judge them.

If I've stepped on your toes, I hope it was an awakening for you and you can forgive me. Just know the truth hurts and I only do it because I love you. Everyone has a story, before you pass judgment take a moment and listen. The conversation has begun. Prove me wrong by making this a two way communication.  One-sided communication doesn't help anyone.


Although today is the final day of black history month 2010, please understand that it is not only about acknowledging the past but it is also an initiative towards the future.

Go ahead, tell your story.