Why Being Black Can Be So Embarrassing

Lately, I've been concentrating on being very specific with the words I use to describe my feelings. 
I'm internalizing what it means to harness the power of my words. Cool story, right?
Its been 6 months since I began that journey and several times in those months I have felt the same thing: embarrassed to be black. 
Did I just say that?
Come a little closer to your screen. 
I meant it. 
The list of times I've been embarrassed isn't a long one. I've been embarrassed while watching 40 year old black women fight on an episode of Basketball Wives and while hearing stories about blacks killing each other over sneakers. I won't even discuss how I feel about our reputation as non-tippers at restaurants.  

I was embarrassed to be black a few months ago when I was the only other black person on a train car filled with others. To me, the other person looked nothing like me but I know others don't differentiate between our different skin tones and hair textures. We all look alike. We're all related. We all know each other. The other black person was cursing loudly and trying to rough up others for spare change. I put on my best "Dont phuck with me face" and sat there wondering, "Omg why does he have to be one of us? Why does he have to look like me?" He started roughing up this older white woman who immediately looked at me like she hoped I could do something to call off my attack dog. I did nothing but say a silent prayer. I told myself it was none of my business. It wasn't. I didn't know that dude, what he was smoking or what he was going thru. I didn't know that white woman either. 


What if I had stepped in to help her and he killed me? Would her family have cared? Would they have reached out to my family with condolences? Would she have even acknowledged how I died trying to help her? Those were the questions running through my head as I imagined the worst case scenario. So, I sat there feeling embarrassed that someone who looked like me was bothering innocent people. And for what? A few nickels. Thats not to say I would have been ok with it if it were a white person doing the same. Its tough to admit but, at that moment, I wished he didn't look like me. 

I saw the criticisms of Gabrielle Douglas' hair and felt embarrassed all over again. Let me start this one by saying I can't believe her hair is even relevant. Gabby Douglas is an amazing individual and a stellar athlete. I can take one look at her smile and tell she has a beautiful spirit. I joke around calling her my cousin because, in some way, I feel responsible for protecting her. I don't want her to be bashed or unnecessarily criticized. I want to step in on her behalf and make sure people shower her with praise. She has worked hard and earned the right to be treated better. This is especially true since there are so many 16 year-olds who lack the poise, dedication and determination about her life direction that Gabby has. This isn't just about defending Gabby Douglas, this is about being aware. 
Being aware that the natural texture of black hair is "nappy."
Being aware that the media has brainwashed so many black women about beauty. 
Being aware that young black girls are watching us for examples. 


I admit seeing her hair and all those clips gave me a little pause, then I caught myself. I sat as thousands of social network updates rolled in criticizing Gabby's hair. Silly me. I didn't realize it was a beauty contest. I thought it was an athletic event. Who were the main culprits? Other black people. Digusting. How do we expect others to respect our struggle when they watch us tear down our own history makers? I bet people criticized Malcolm X's hair and Rosa Parks' wardrobe choices. There is no way this mentality is new to my generation. We picked that habit up from our elders. I thought, "She's an athlete engaging in a sport where she will sweat. How do you fusterclucks expect her to wear her hair?" What makes me sick is how the major media networks picked up the criticisms of her hair while not bothering to hold accountable the different outlets that completely left her out of their main story about the women's gymnastics team.

Black people are so often our own worst enemy. We are not a unified people. It breaks my heart the way we tear each other down. Praising people with fair skin & curly hair while torturing those with more afrocentric features. As I write this post, Gabby Douglas reigns as the world champion of women's gymnastics. Thats not enough for blacks. We have found a way to focus on the wrong thing once again. Nevermind that some of the critics have nice hair because they never exercise. We can't just be happy for her. We can't salute her without a qualifier. WE can't appreciate her gorgeous face. We had to find something wrong with the greatest 16-year-old gymnast in the world: her hair.  


Gabby Douglas is not her hair. If she were 1/2 as concerned about her hair as the rest of y'all she may not be sitting pretty as the FIRST African American female gymnast to win an all-around gold medal. Now, I'm willing to give all of you a pass for criticizing her if you can tell me what you have done with your life? Were you with her flippin the gym? How many frontflip backspring frontflips can YOU do? How close were you to qualifying for an Olympic sport? Do you even have a passport? Still lookin for that pass? FOH. 


Before you go off thinking I don't love myself or my people you couldn't be MORE wrong. I think all black is beautiful. I hate to see my people lost. I love blacks and I love being black, but sometimes blacks are so embarrassing. I wish blacks would shake this crabs in the barrel/"there isn't enough room for all of us to succeed" mentality. Its silly. Some of you may think I shouldn't allow the behaviors of others to affect me. They do. What you gone do 'cept judge me too?